Dear Pet Lady,

As a hairstylist, this is my busiest time of year; everyone wants to look spectacular for New Year’s Eve, which in general is about as anticlimactic as a shoe. Why can’t people see this? Secondly, one of my clients has a small, puffy white dog named Scout who loves to be blow-dried, even though she’s dry already. Again, why?

Harried

Dear Harriet,

A rhetorical question: What is a small dog? The answer: It is essentially a sentient wig. Another: If a wig could have one desire, what would it be? Another answer: Perhaps a good medium-rare steak, but, more likely, to be lovingly bathed in a steady current of nice warm air (preferably with the switch set to “Style” to prevent split ends). Remember to brush and Aqua Net after.

The Pet Lady

Dear Pet Lady,

My Great Dane, Gary, has that cowering-on-New-Year’s-Eve problem. My friends are a bit of a rowdy bunch, and the fireworks shatter poor Gary’s last nerve. He’s such a noble beast, I hate to see him trying to fit himself under the bed. What can I do to make this year better?

Master of Gary’s

Dear Plaster of Paris,

Ah, the question on everyone’s lips as December wanes: How can I resolve to make the nascent year new and improved? Give someone less fortunate a ham sandwich every day? Ask people if there’s anything you can do to help them until they’re driven mad by your very helpfulness? No tippling before three? (Ambitious!) All fine starting points, but seeing as how cowering Mayor Schell has cancelled the Millennial New Year’s celebration due to some kind of Canadian terrorist threat on Le Needle d’Espace, the Pet Lady resolves to ring in the 21st Century in style with the fun-loving residents of San Francisco, where the mayor wears $500 hats and spends the taxpayer coin on engraved invitations.

Gary, you, too, should resolve that your eve of the New Year be climactic! Find someone handsome to kiss and carpe noctis! As for your high-strung pony, horse tranquilizers are quite effective—just go easy on the champagne. Bon voyage!

The Pet Lady

The Pet Lady wants your pet! Send a fetching photograph of your fur friend to illustrate your query in this very space! E-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com or employ the overworked US Postal Service: The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.