The Pet Lady

Dear Pet Lady,

Our dog, Penny, is extremely over-weight and has “baggy britches” that droop beneath her rear parts much like a pregnant sou’s teets. We wish to know how to get her to stop eating and start walking. Any ideas?

Johanna Pearl Garmanian A Concerned Owner, Age 12


Miss Pearl,

The Pet Lady had to find her spectacles for this one—which, after a nice Belgian waffle with a mimosa, is taxing. The Pet Lady was gifted with the most lovely new-fangled waffle iron this holiday season; it looks like the grille of a ’64 Biscayne and chirps like a little Belgian Booted Warbler when the waffle is ready. What will they think of next? By the by, a little Bushmills in the batter makes waffles much more toothsome.

Young lady, obesity is not your Lenny’s problem. Why, really, ought a dog to be fit? We all enjoy our steak tartare and/or Belgian waffles; much more alarming is that your fur friend is locked in an embrace with a lagomorph, a highly unnatural arrangement. Why, this is the lion lying down with the lamb! What strange spells have you cast? This could hold the key to all the world’s ills! Also, your charming turn of phrase has quite cleared the Pet Lady’s millennial fug, though she finds your diction mysterious. May your sous reproduce nicely, ma ch鲩e.

The Pet Lady

Send the Pet Lady a nice photograph of your fur friend and you might see your own P/Lenny here! E-mail or use proper postage to: The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104-1006.