DEAR PET LADY,

I have a full-grown cocker who just loves to chew most everything, especially my car seat belts, though he knows he’s not supposed to do this. Is there some type of spray repellent available? I would appreciate any advice you could give.

Thank You

DEAR THANK YOU,

The Pet Lady writes to you this week from la playa at a secret remote location south of the border where she enjoys to holiday now and again, away from the hustlers and bustlers of the Jet City. The secret remote location is so secret and so remote that it may only be reached via boat; hence, there are no roads, no cars, and, thus, no seat belts, only a lovely stretch of beach, the verdant jungle above (filled with, possibly, monkeys), and a tiny village. On the beach, a woman walks regally up and down, balancing atop her head pies—of which one may be privileged to purchase a piece (la manzana being the favorite of the Pet Lady); in the petit ville, a noisy generator operates to provide power for subsequently difficult-to-hear recorded music at the local pool hall, where the Pet Lady’s billiards skills are met with friendly suspicion by the gentlemen pool players regular.

The secret remote location is also home to a fine local liqueur, a sort of a moonshine version of tequila that is illegal elsewhere, perhaps because of its reputed magical non-hangover-inducing quality threatening the very fabric of society, perhaps because, whilst it is easy enough to sip, it does possess a faint aftertaste of blindness and/or brain damage.

Many fine wildlifes make the secret remote location their home, including grackles, geckos, herons, moray eels, coconuts, toads as big as your head, and a volume of mosquitoes so vast that the Pet Lady y strapping young traveling compa� must sleep romantically swathed, and at some points entangled, in a mosquito net.

The echoing braying of donkeys punctuates the days and nights, a sound so ineffably stupid that it reminds one why, indeed, we use the term jackassery, and half a dozen dogs are cared for by the whole town and owned by no one, accompanying visitors on rambles up the river and eating coconuts (and, in some cases, pieces of pie left unattended). The Pet Lady suggests, Thank You, that rather than seeking something to repel your dog from your seat belts, you come at it from another direction entirely and unburden yourself of your car. Buenos,

The Pet Lady

The Pet Lady awaits your correspondence and photographs. E-mail to thepetlady@seattleweekly.com or send by land to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.