The Pet Lady

Pet Lady,

Why are Seattle beaches off-limits for dogs? My dog (as well as many others) loves the beach far more than the dog park, sidewalks, etc. I find it interesting that the animal control and police have nothing better to do than constantly patrol those areas. Also, any suggestions of who to contact in the City Council regarding such issues?


Dear Judy N.,

After tea and before cocktails one day recently, the Pet Lady went downtown to her financial institution to retrieve the five golden rings from the safe-deposit box, and there, standing in the lobby, was a Mr. Green Jeans- esque gentleman with a live peregrine falcon on his forearm (which was properly sheathed in a leather gauntlet). The falcon blinked and looked about calmly as the man explained how it had been found dazed and injured near the Cuff on Capitol Hill before its recovery. Bystanders asked the birdman questions varying only in degree of idiocy. (“Is it friendly?” “Can you teach it to talk?” “Will its wing grow back?” Well, is it a Labrador retriever, myna bird, or starfish?) They were also allowed to feed it bits of bloody meat and entrail, at seeming risk to their digits; the falcon, however, taking the moral high ground, did not deign to sever their fingers with its sharp beak. The Pet Lady suggests you follow the bird’s noble example.

The Pet Lady

Dear, sweet Pet Lady,

I’ve seen some letters from people writing in to say your column doesn’t make sense. Well, what does in our crazy, crazy world?


Dear Serious,

One would not think that the banking powers that be could make the loathsome currency-dispensing machine more loathsome, but it appears that they have done so. After the birdman’s exhibition and an altercation with a revolving door, the Pet Lady ended up in front of one of the robot tellers and inserted her bank-issued pass card into said kiosk. The automat exchequer then printed across its display, “HEY THERE, Pet Lady!!! HOW’S IT HANGIN’ TODAY!!! GIVE ME YOUR DIGITS AND WE CAN GET STARTED!!!”

“Get started”? One does not “get started” with the Pet Lady. The impertinent apparatus did not respond to the Pet Lady’s reproaches, but eventually a savings and loan officer arrived to take them down in detail. The Pet Lady is gratified to hear that you, too, are dismayed. Propriety is the only thing that stands betwixt us and utter mayhem. It is not “sure” and “nope,” but “yes” and “no,” and ever it shall be. The Pet Lady will be joining the picketers after tea and before cocktails tomorrow.

The Pet Lady

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