Hey, Pet Lady,

Your column seems like it might be cool to read. It is hard to follow sometimes, for the answers don’t relate to the questions. Is it supposed to be a joke, or is the editing crappy, or what? Not that big of a deal, I just don’t get it.

B.C., Seattle

Dear C.B.,

It may well be that your sea horse, Geoff, is neither on a politically motivated hunger strike nor suicidal but is merely a bit lonely. They are sensitive creatures, the little ponies of the ocean. While it is not uncommon for them to just bob around holding onto sea grass and miniature ceramic divers with their tails, they do like to have friends with whom to do synchronized swimming. As for your having cocktails with festive little paper umbrellas just outside the tank in an effort to cheer him up, well, how would you feel about gazing longingly at a Mai Tai through thick, shatterproof glass with no ability to get to it, despite your possessing a prehensile tail? The Pet Lady would be very, very sad indeed, with or without such appendage. Get Geoff an equine companion, and bear in mind that sea horses court only during the full moon, which arrives this Saturday night. Candles and the romantic crooning of Barry White will help set the mood. Make it an evening to treasure, mon fr貥—sea horses mate for life.

The Pet Lady

Dear Pet Lady,

Have you seen that movie Best in Show? I think you might like it, but it left me wondering: Is it a real documentary, or is it one of those “mock-u-mentaries”? I wasn’t sure. Is it even possible for a man to have two left feet?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

Your roofer, Barney, is actually legendary in local home repair circles. Yes, he always brings at least a half-dozen tumorous bulldogs to the work site, and yes, some of them know how to climb the ladder—you needn’t question your sanity due to what you saw outside your bedroom window. (In the future, however, your spouse might prefer that you draw the blinds.) And no, you cannot “catch” a tumor from a dog, and yes, Barney’s work is very well reputed. In the Pet Lady’s experience, if you can avoid looking at the dogs and stay well out of their 10-foot spittle range, your trials will be rewarded, and your home will again be snug and safe from winter’s downpours.

The Pet Lady

Frantic rabbit? Errant duck? E-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com or send a picture postcard to: The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.