The Pet Lady

Pet Lady,

I was sad to read that no one sent you a pet photo last week. May the enclosed photo ward off future “vapors.”



Dear Dido,

You are too kind, ma petite pamplemousse. But fear not; the Pet Lady bested her lifetime bowling score whilst with her bowling league on Sunday night and has ordered a new Columbia 300 Yellow Dot 11-pound ball, wine-red in colour, in commemoration. Rarely has she felt so invigorated, and she imagines she shan’t have the vapors anytime soon. Your cat, however, oughtn’t to sit so close to the television.


Dear Pet Lady,

They’re building new condos next door to my house and my pet duck, Bert, is all ruffled by the noise. How can I calm him?


Dear Quiescently Frozen,

A house on the Pet Lady’s block was eaten by a large one-armed machine recently; the Pet Lady and a Pet Friend were taking their afternoon tea, so to speak, when they were disturbed by the loud commotion and so shod themselves and went round for a look. A small crowd had gathered on the sidewalk to look on, though one woman trimmed her hedges with her back turned in apparent protest. The Pet Lady found it quite ontologically unsettling to see into the house with one exterior wall chewed away; it was like a doll’s house, each room with its different coloured paint or striped wallpaper. A pistachio-painted upstairs bedroom was especially poignant, and yet the machine ate on voraciously till nothing was left but a pile of sad rubble. The Pet Lady and Friend had to retire for a whiskey, neat. Now the Pet Lady anticipates imminent, deafening construction with its accompanying dust and town-homes blocking out one more slice of the glinting gray Puget Sound from her verandah. What, dear readers, is the world coming to? As a duck won’t drink whiskey, the Pet Lady can recommend only a nice soft nest in the back of the coat closet with a transistor radio tuned to soothing music.

Sympathies to you both,


Guess the Pet Lady’s new lifetime bowling high score and win a prize! Send pet photos! E-mail or send by land to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.