The field-tested, bi-gender guide to landing a millionaire.

If Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe, and Lauren Bacall could do it, so can you!

By Brian Miller • October 9, 2006 12:00 am

How to marry a millionaire

Tips for snaring one of Seattle’s thousands of sugar daddies:

  • Spend Sunday afternoons kicking the tires at Redmond’s Lexus dealership.
  • Ask to see his Palm Pilot.
  • Over dinner at El Gaucho, profess your profound interest in juggling.
  • At the health club, remember to wear your Matrix T-shirt.
  • Forswear all Brad Pitt movies; practice positive visualization exercises of Nathan Mhyrvold.
  • Call Amazon.com customer service; flirt shamelessly.
  • Get impregnated by a Sonic.
  • Apply for menial food service position at Microsoft; “accidentally” spill food on senior group product manager’s Dockers; dab vigorously with damp cloth.
  • When hunky, stock-option-owning, HomeGrocer.com driver makes delivery, open the door wearing nothing but….
  • Adorn your body with tattoos and piercings, start smoking, and make eyes at recently divorced rock stars at the Crocodile Caf鮍
  • At Scarecrow Video, stand in the “S” aisle, asking guys if they’ve seen the new Star Trek: The Next Generation DVD.
  • Get real estate license; show lakefront properties in the nude.
  • At Crystal Mountain, park next to the newest Hummer; wait for owner to return, then pretend to lose your keys and beg for a ride home.
  • Take Metro across 520 to Hunts Point; then, wearing tight shorts and jog-bra, stop at largest remodeled house for glass of water, then “faint.”
  • Join local gun club and register as a Republican; wait for next McCaw to divorce.
  • At Seafair, swim up to largest yacht on log boom and yell, “Help, I’m drowning and I’ve lost my swimsuit top!”
  • At Boeing Field, sneak into private jet area and aggressively hitch ride to Sun Valley or Aspen.
  • When programmers lose hackey-sack outside GO2NET headquarters, squeal, “Look! It fell down my blouse!”
  • Loiter at Madison Audio; ask customers to explain why exactly $10,000 tube amps sound “warmer.”
  • Wait outside Phil Smart test-drive area; accidentally permit hem of dress to get caught in car door. (Actual results may vary.)
  • Between holes at Sahalee, identify most promising targets, then fall into water hazard wearing sheer diaphanous top and plead for rescue.
  • Offer to take lap times while he races his new Boxster at SIR; leap wildly in show of support.
  • Never ever admit that you once dated a lawyer at the Department of Justice.
  • Ask him to demonstrate all the features on his 8860.
  • If all else fails, return all those phone calls from Paul Allen (have restraining order removed first).

How to marry a millionairess

Hey, guys, there’s no reason you can’t be a gold digger, too! Here’s how:

  • Get stray dog from pound, knock on Wendy McCaw’s door saying your puppy needs water.
  • Pretend Snow Falling on Cedars is your favorite book (be prepared to discuss).
  • Memorize long passages from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; recite with champagne.
  • Attend riot grrrl concerts to meet nose-pierced, option-rich Amazon forklift drivers.
  • Special note for aspiring bluebeards: scan obituaries for high-profile deaths; court widows with flowers; brush up on ballroom dancing with walker-wiedling partner.
  • At Pacific Place, offer to carry customers’ heavy shopping bags (wear your tightest T-shirt).
  • Set up petition table at Bellevue Square, ask women to participate in body-waxing class action lawsuit (photograph required).
  • Whenever asked, emphatically agree that Gwyneth Paltrow is much too thin.
  • Become personal trainer, tell most affluent clients they’ve lost five pounds each week (10 if they buy you a new superbike).
  • Take temp job as paralegal, use confidential settlement information to begin “rebound effect” strategy of dating richest divorcees.
  • Get UPS job, pay special attention to option-holding Microsoft executive secretaries while making deliveries.
  • Identify all Lotto winners, begin wooing with invitations to ice skating shows and Neil Diamond concerts.
  • Volunteer at finish line of Fred Hutch Race for the Cure 5K to wrap space blankets around grateful finishers.
  • If all else fails, go to Yelm and announce you are Ramtha’s long-lost reincarnated husband.

More:

  • The New Singles: Flush with cash and pale from overtime, Seattle’s high-tech lonelyhearts develop a new paradigm for romance. by Orianda Guilfoyle
  • Mr. Lonelyhearts: A translation guide to the gay male personals. by David Massengill