Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I like to carry around a pair of binoculars when I go for a walk in my neighborhood, to check out birds and get a better view of the mountains when they’re out. The problem is, a man walking by himself with a pair of binoculars looks a little suspicious to some people. How can I avoid looking creepy?

Webley Walker

Dear Webley,

Put some friendly little badger ears on your binoculars. If anyone looks your way, say “badger, badger, BAD-GER” and give a goofy shrug. They’ll either get you or they won’t, but since that’s the case anyway, you might as well have a little fun. That’s the motto I wanted them to write on a cake one time, but they said it wouldn’t fit. Letters written in frosting apparently need a lot more horizontal space than you’d think. I thought maybe it could be done with a stencil, though. I once saw this on a TV that was tuned to the Food Channel in a hotel lobby in Denver, but they didn’t want to hear about that at the cake shop.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Clumping across a downtown street in my cast last week, I was suddenly cut off by a Miata turning right. The look that passed over the driver’s face when he saw me was the strangest thing. He looked apologetic, then angry, then finally yelled “Fuck you!” as he sped off.

Peacenik Mike

Dear Mike,

The more I think about it, the more I see there’s no reason to be upset. It’s actually good news that the Cool Uncles have a new member. I thought my attempt to master the harmonica part on “Hey Baby” was going pretty well, but apparently the guys felt that, with our vintage-car-show gig a mere seven months away, I wasn’t progressing fast enough.

So one day they had a meeting before I got there and decided to pull the trigger on HARPMAN. That’s what the plates on his Miata say. He’s got a walrus moustache, wears Hawaiian shirts, and is a bit of an arm-puncher. None of that is a problem for me. I’m not an arm-puncher myself, but I certainly don’t look down on men who feel compelled to engage in ritualized violence. And the harmonica thing—give me a break! I’d just picked that up as a lark. I’m basically an axe man, so there’s no reason for me to feel threatened by HARPMAN in any way.

The only thing is, I missed the part when “playing that one section on ‘Hey Baby'” (which I freely admit he does very well) became “soloing at length on every single song.” I remember the first time he let rip with one of his solos. After about 64 bars, I started looking around at the other guys to silently ask them, “How do we bring this guy in for a landing?”, and was shocked to see that they were all nodding along with their eyes closed. Let’s not say “shocked.” He is a great player, after all. Even the maintenance guy at the church where we practice poked his head in and joked that he wanted to make sure some other band hadn’t broken in.

So I’m not trying to take anything away from him as a musician when I say I was a little surprised when he said we need to “work on our fundamentals.” He didn’t look at me when he said it, but it’s obvious that nothing’s more fundamental than the bass. Not that I flaunt this. I mostly lay back, going “bomp, bomp, bomp” and holding the whole musical picture together in my own quiet way. The point is, the Uncles have always been more about feel than musical technicalities. HARPMAN doesn’t seem to get that we’re more of a “vibe” band than an “in tune” band. And the only thing that really concerns me about any of this is that my fellow Uncles seem to have forgotten this as well.

In the summer, that island in the middle of Green Lake is choked with gnats and paddle-boat users, but in the winter it’s like a little floating planet of solitude. I kayaked out there recently to listen to the quiet and clear my mind. Sit there long enough and small sounds become prominent—the squeak of bicycle brakes, the distant chime of female laughter. That’s when it hit me: I’ve been neglecting the very motto that I’ve been unable to have written on a cake. That’s where you come in, Mike. Since you don’t have an actual question, and in the interest of gathering some fun material for a fun chat I want to have with the guys about HARPMAN’s true nature, can you please tell me if you got a look at the plates on that Miata that almost ran you over? Also, I hope your foot feels better soon.

Questions? Write uptight@seattleweekly.com.