The Ask Master

There is one “real practical advantage” to wearing a baseball cap backward [The Ask Master, July 11], as opposed to the standard bill-forward position: It’s much easier to give a blow job. I find this obvious advantage quite amusing, given your accurate description of the jocks who are most likely to wear it that way.

RockHard

Before I begin, let me make one thing clear: THIS IS NOT A SEX COLUMN. The world has plenty of sex columns, all written by people who can speak to the subject with considerably more authority than your correspondent. As a confirmed bachelor who has a romantic encounter about as often as the Catholics get a new pope (thanks, John Paul I, for a memorable month), I do not know why your boyfriend likes to put a hairbrush up his ass, what’s up with that blood in your urine, or how to get Janeane Garofalo into bed. In this column, we consider weighty, sober-minded issues—cultural anthropology, quantum mechanics, international economic policy. . . .

Oh, all right; I guess that JUST THIS ONCE we can talk about blow jobs. But I’m warning you: next week, it’s back to the Coriolis effect, Old Church Slavonic, and the Russo-Japanese War of 1905. (Unless, of course, anybody’s got any bright ideas on the Janeane Garofalo front, in which case all bets are off.)

I confess that Rock’s sensible, utilitarian argument, bringing as it does new meaning to the term “ball cap,” escaped me. But now we know: If you respect someone enough to take their entire penis in your mouth, but not quite enough to remove your hat during the act, turn it around.

I am a married man who is always horny and loves great head (which my wife won’t do). So, I go to Volunteer Park where I know that 99 percent of the time a guy with a cap on backward is a fag waiting to service a big 9-inch dick like mine. With the cap on backward, he can deep throat with no problem. So, jocks with their baseball caps on backward are really in-the-closet fags waiting to do me and other married men good service.

Walter M.

See, this is exactly why I don’t want to write a sex column—phrases like “big 9-inch dick” give me hives.

I realize this letter is merely a slightly more colorful answer to the question already dealt with above, but I think any disinterested third party would agree that legitimate psychosocial issues are raised by it. You see, Walter actually signed his full name for publication (though I declined to print it) and included his address. He cheerily, nay, proudly, attempted to broadcast his infidelities to the world. What the hell was he thinking?

Look, Walter, I don’t mind if you get your 6-inch cock (yes, I’m well aware you said 9) sucked in Volunteer Park, at the circus, or on the moon. I don’t even mind if you want to erect a billboard in the middle of town with your name, photo, and home phone number on it: “Hi, I’m Walter! I like to have my cock sucked—BY MEN!”

What I do mind is your appalling lack of consideration for your wife. How do you suppose she’s going to react when she reads that her husband, a man with whom she shares bed linen, spends the bulk of his leisure time ramming his schlong down the throats of, at best, casual acquaintances?

Of course, perhaps she already knows. Maybe, somehow, though too straitlaced to blow her own husband, she’s sufficiently liberal-minded to think it’s perfectly OK for him to have repeated homosexual trysts with random strangers in a public greenspace. I find this highly unlikely, but let’s just imagine for a moment that it’s true.

Even then, I can’t believe that she’d be as eager to share this information with the world as you apparently are. I doubt very much that Mrs. M. would relish being the continued subject of hushed conversations along the lines of:

“Say, isn’t that Mrs. M., the one who won’t give her husband head?”

“Why, yes, I believe it is—but they say he gets his 9-inch dick serviced quite frequently in Volunteer Park.”

No, I’m sorry, Walter; if you want to get revenge on your wife for not giving you head, you’ll have to find some other way. I’m not going to expose her appallingly poor taste in men in my column. And by the way: People (like your wife) are a lot more willing to put things in their mouths if they know where those things have been.


Wondering how people became so bizarre? Write the Askmaster at askmaster@seattleweekly.com or 1008 Western Ave., Suite 300, Seattle, WA, 98105.