Canada Goose

Branta Canadensis

Golf courses, Hunts Point lawns, office parks, public swimming beaches, freeway medians, U-Dub parking lots, airport runways, Lake Union houseboats, children’s wading pools

Putting greens, fairways, recently installed lawns, softball fields, Kentucky bluegrass, expensive hydrangeas, bread, raisin bread, corn bread, bread crumbs, bread pudding, croutons, bagels, baguettes, pitas, Wheat Thins, anything purchased at Molbak’s

Honking, shitting, hissing, pooping, attacking, defecating, snapping at small children, excreting, sauntering across traffic, crapping, demanding handouts, voiding their bowels, knocking down Rollerbladers

Federally protected

Goose-chasing dogs; pinwheels and reflective tape

Mines, mortars, machine guns, and hand grenades

Eastern Gray Squirrel

Sciurus carolinensis

Telephone poles, jungle gyms, Wallingford attics, Ravenna rooftops and gutters, birdhouses, birdfeeders, Woodland Park Zoo’s Elephant House, mailboxes

Cones, needles, nuts, pine nuts, peanut butter, peanut butter cookies, seeds, birdseed, trail mix

Chattering, racing around pointlessly, tormenting cats, frenzied leaping from bough to bough, hyperactively chasing one other for no apparent reason, shameless fornication, gnawing electrical wires, raiding birdfeeders, slamming into windows

Open season

Wrap trees in chicken wire; seal off chimneys

.22s, pellet guns, leg traps, bows and arrows, rocks

Raccoon

Procyon lotor

Crawl spaces, tool sheds, unlocked cars, children’s play houses and forts, baby strollers left on front porches, stairwells, mother-in-law apartments, hot tubs and pools, driveways

Gophers, slugs, crustaceans, bird eggs, carrion, pesto salad, H䡧en-Dazs containers, fruit pies, TV dinners, hummus, pizza crusts, aluminum foil, Larry’s Market take-out sushi, unattended Homegrocer.com deliveries, dog food, cat food, cat parts

Lumbering across driveways, tipping over trash cans, intimidating household pets, frightening small children, voyeuristic spying, general furtiveness, engaging in stare-downs with homeowners, utilizing pet doors, messing with TV remote

Limited season

Do not put food in open compost piles; erect electric fence

WWF-style bodyslams and legdrops, eyepokes, hand-to-paw combat

Opossum

Didelphis virginianus

I-5, 520, 405, NE 65th St, Mercer Street onramp, Northgate Way, Rainier Ave S, Renton ‘S’ curves, Lakeview Flyover, Ship Canal Bridge, Park & Ride Lots

Bugs, grubs, insects, spiders, occasionally young rabbits, concrete home foundations, dust, tire shards, hubcaps, cigarette butts, motor oil, transmission fluid, radiator hoses, lane divider dots, traffic circle plantings, road kill, other possums

Skulking along arterials, ripping up yards, nesting under stairwells, impersonating rats, playing possum, playing chicken, refusing to yield, befouling car tires with entrails

Open season

Secure garbage cans with bungee cord; fortify crawl spaces

Fords, Audis, Chevrolets, SUVs, station wagons, shovels

Girlfriend’s cat

Felis catus

Couches, comfy chairs, sofas, pillows, antimacassars, laps, TV sets, toilet seats, automobile hoods, wheel wells, window seats, kitchen counters, foot of bed, middle of bed, head of bed, face

Mice, voles, birds, crickets, dryer lint, own hair, Fancy Feast, Whisker Lickin’s, Copper River salmon, caviar, Porterhouse steaks, turkey livers and trimmings, filet mignon, patꍊ

Scratching, headbutting ankles, irrational clawing, coughing up fur balls, scent marking, condescending air of entitlement, retaliatory micturation, appropriating best furniture, stand-offishness, tuna breath, mood swings

Subject to your own moral scruples

Feign affection, avoid eye contact

“Accidentally” drive it to Oregon, remove collar, and leave at truck stop

Crow

Corvus brachyrhynchos

Power lines, Dick’s parking lots, chimneys, children’s playgrounds, UW marshes, bus tunnel, dumpsters, garbage cans, bedroom windowsills, Westlake Park, sidewalk caf鳬 barbed wire fences, Bite of Seattle

Chee-tos, french fries, Ivar’s fish and chips, Starbucks low-fat scones, ring fingers, ketchup containers, ducklings, Red Hook ESB, cottage cheese, human eyeballs, milk- encrusted coffee stirring straws, candy wrappers, road splats, Styrofoam food containers

Ceaseless unmotivated cawing, driving off songbirds, depreciating property values, ominous clustering, blocking out the sun’s rays with their enormous flocks, brazen strutting, vainglorious two-footed hopping, stealing ATM cards

Limited season

Scarecrows

Defuse tensions with outreach program and community-building exercises

Herschel the Sea Lion

Zalophus Califonianus

Ballard Locks (1990-96, RIP)

Wild migratory steelhead salmon

Gobbling down 65 percent of already endangered steelhead runs, posing for tourist photos, refusing to budge from Ballard Locks, resisting all relocation efforts, returning from California exile, eating lead

Federally protected

Air horns, flashing lights, marine netting, underwater warning signs

Introduce new “Sea Lioness Night” at Hiram’s

Cougar

Felis concolor

Sammamish Plateau, Issaquah Highlands, Cougar Mountain, Pickering Place, Eastside day care center playgrounds, Snow Lake trailhead, Microsoft campus, North Bend Outlet Mall, kiddie soccer fields

Deer, elk, mice, rabbits, pet llamas, pet alpacas, ponies, mailmen, bird-watchers, solitary joggers, infants, toddlers, small children, Cub Scouts

Snarling, hissing, yowling, caterwauling, leaping from underbrush or trees onto unsuspecting hikers, soccer moms, and trail maintenance volunteers

Limited season

Stand tall, remove deer costume

Choke with inedible PowerBars