Lately it seems as though celebrities need my help more than normal folks. And really, if you take away their good looks, fancy cars, and millions of dollars, they’re just like us. (Except apparently too shy to write and ask me questions.)
So I’m going to perform the same service for them that I do for all my friends—I’m going to dole out unsolicited advice. Isn’t that the best kind anyway? Sometimes you just don’t know you need help; that’s why there’s me. So here goes:
Mackenzie Phillips: Aren’t you a little old to be taping eight-balls to your rib cage and jamming heroin-packed condoms up your keister? How are you ever going to meet a nice guy if your pupils are always dilated and your arms are pitted with track marks? Answer: You’re not. Quit with the drugs already. You’re almost 50.
Katie Holmes: I know plenty of people do, but after all those years watching you on Dawson’s Creek, I feel like I know you, Joey. And marrying for fame and heaps of money is not a very good example to set for that cute little alien baby of yours.
Lindsay Lohan: Linds, after a rough start, you’ve really started to grow on me. You’ve yet to give some hand-wringing interview in which you tearfully come out to the world; you’re just hanging with your girlfriend and trying to get your career back together despite the fact that you were raised by Satan’s minions. My advice: Quit taking your parents’ calls, and for chrissakes, don’t give either of them another cent.
Margaret Cho & Kathy Griffin: I love you both. I think you’re hilarious, except that it really gets on my tits when you refer to your gay boyfriends as your “gays.” I know you’re both gay-friendly; it just seems forced and not funny. Like when white people drop the n-bomb.
Courtney Love: Hasn’t Frances Bean been through enough? Her dad offed himself, her mom took heroin while she was in utero! Tough start in life, but she seems to have turned out lovely despite all these setbacks. It’s time to give the kid a break. Quit it with the crazy until she’s out of the house.
David Duchovny: Nice one checking into rehab just as the new season of Californication is set to begin. Please. The only disease you have is can’t-keep-it-in-my-pants-itis. Quit pathologizing your cheating—people have been doing it for centuries.
Anne Hathaway: Poor thing—I’ve so been there. One day you’re shagging a dashing, rich Italian, the next day he’s donning a hairnet in lockup (OK, in my case he wasn’t rich or Italian, but he did end up in jail). Next time, run a background check—or at least Google the dude before you drop your drawers.
Milo Ventimiglia: You’re over 30. You’re not allowed to date teenagers.
John Edwards: Little trickles of truth wrapped in gobs of excuses and more fibs does not an apology make. Until you feel like manning up and begging forgiveness, just go away.
O.J. Simpson: Your daughter kicked your ass and beat up your girlfriend. Where do you think she learned that kind of behavior? Please take some of the millions you’re hiding from the Goldmans and Browns and go buy yourself an island so nobody ever has to see or hear about you again.
Christopher Ciccone: I read your book about your sis. Oh boy, Madonna is ruthless, bossy, and stretches the truth! Was anyone surprised? The only somewhat shocking fact was that she used to have you mop down her sweaty breasts. Yuck, but not enough to justify the cover price. Give me back my $26.
Jon Hamm, Ryan Adams, Steve Buscemi, Jemaine Clement, and Richard Belzer: No advice; you’re perfect as is. Oh, and Viggo Mortenson too.