Gemini (May 21–June 20)
I’ve encountered numerous Geminis recently, all complaining about their bad (and worsening) astrological reps. It seems you now receive more (undeserved) bad-mouthing than those traditionally maligned Scorpios. People are unduly alarmed by your changeability or, perversely, frustrated when you’re too reliable or predictable. Fuck their fickle shittiness. It bites when nothing you do will please your detractors. But it also frees you. If you can do naught but wrong in their eyes, why bother trying to do “right”? This week, do exactly as you please, without giving the slightest thought to what others might think of you as a result.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
With Mars and Saturn kibitzing in your sign this week, you’ve got two powerful allies. Don’t expect them to show their faces, though. They’re secret supporters, the kind who anonymously dump money into your bank account or send thugs to “help” your ex-boyfriend move out, finally. Play a big game; you’re officially a badass now. You can get away with wild moves that would’ve laid you out a few weeks ago. But don’t talk shit. If it gets back to the boys that you’re taking them for granted or abusing their patronage for your own petty agenda, you’ll have that comfy safety net ripped out from under you, fast.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
I’ve never appreciated the phrase “war on terror.” If the battle were truly intended to conquer fear itself, I’d be a wholehearted supporter. Instead, it seems that certain small-minded forces are hell-bent on a task that even small children call ill-fated and impossible: eliminating all potential sources of terror. Here’s a simple concept: As long as people have freedom, they will be free to hurt each other. Eliminate that freedom, and what’s the point of life? It galls me that this uncomplicated notion is beyond the feeble grasp of the people who are supposed to be leading us. Luckily, you get it. This week, give those around you less reason to harm each other, not less opportunity to do so. Why? Because you can.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
The solution to many computer problems is to do a clean install of the operating system—wipe out the hard drive and start fresh. I wish we could do that to your brain; you’ve got tons of great stuff in there, but it’s currently eclipsed by system glitches and hang-ups that are getting in the way of what you really want to do. Consequently, you’ve been subject to frequent crashes and freezes recently, just like a sick computer. Do your best to strip your mind down to its essentials this week. Rebuild your priorities, from most to least important. Don’t stop grinding out internal conflicts until clarity is achieved. Then reorder your life to conform to those intentions, and don’t let anything stop you.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Stir shit up. I mean really get down to it, Libra. Fuck with every idea you have about yourself. If that means having your best girlfriend strap on a dildo and fuck you up the ass, then by all means, do it. Enough with the namby-pamby bullshit of change by imperceptible increments. Turn your world on its head, because that’s what it’s going to take to get to the place you want to be, which is about half a planet away from where you are right now. Or, fuck it, go ahead and keep taking the baby steps you’ve been taking; you ought to reach your destination by the time you turn 105.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
I’d like to inoculate you against fear. Normally, I’d do this by giving you a long, wet, wonderful French kiss. Obviously, that’s not logistically possible at the moment. Luckily, you can acquire your own vaccine. Here’s how: Say yes to everything this week. Whenever you encounter an internal no, find the person or thing that will push or encourage you into making that a yes. There’s your cure. The bottom line is, there’s nothing you can’t handle. If you stop short of taking something on, the only conclusion I can draw: You’re stopping short of your full potential.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Quit your job. Hop on a plane and head to Greece or Australia or Uganda. Oh, wait, you’ve done that . . . more than once, even. That’s your anti-horoscope this week. Even though springtime is painting the world rosy and making the idea of adventuring in it almost irresistibly appealing, remember that the deeper truth of your ambition requires that you be stable right now, not flaky and whimsical. Don’t worry, my undomesticated and curious friend. There’ll be plenty of time for more wild, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants adventures in your future. For now, keep your pants on and your feet firmly on the ground.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
How do you inspire such loyalty? You’re not the most popular guy or gal around, but your handful of friends would do anything for you and defend you tooth and nail. I know how you do it, but I just wanted to remind you, because it seems you may have forgotten. You got to this solid place by doing exactly the right thing, over and over, even when it was really hard. (Also, in case you’ve blanked on this, too: The “right thing” isn’t what society or your folks or anyone else tells you it is. It’s what you know it is, even if that’s totally different than what they’re telling you. Your moral compass is better than theirs.)
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Biding your time is all well and good. It can even be pleasant. But enough is enough. Stop postponing pleasure or revenge or whatever it is that you’re waiting for. You’ll look back on this time in misery and regret if you keep wasting it the way you have been. There’s so much you can and should be doing right now that is just on hold for the indefinite future. What’s the point? Figure out if your patience has any viable hope of not being in vain, and quickly; it’s nearly time to take action or simply move on for good. Consider this your one-week warning.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
To deny you chances to exercise your ability to love would be like denying the necessity of food. You need to love people as much as you need to eat. It’s important that you are allowed to, especially this week. To stifle those urges could really fuck you up, and leave you feeling starved and nutritionally deprived for months or years to come. Don’t subject yourself (or those who crave your affection) to that kind of suffering. Instead, remind the people who need it that there’s an abundance of love, not a shortage, and that you’re going to do your honest-to-fuck best to make sure they get their fair share.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Mary Poppins, you’re not. Some would regard you as absolutely the worst influence children could be exposed to. I beg to differ. You get kids in a way those critics don’t, being practically a child yourself (I mean that in the best way, really). You know that the young’uns like people who tell it to them straight, without a lot of sugarcoating or, especially, lying. Even if that means giving them the lowdown on death, sex, or the fucked-upness of the whole damn world, they’d generally prefer that to some fluffy story about Santa Claus. Be the truth-teller this week, to children of all ages. We need to hear it the (hopeful) way that only you can tell it.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
People will show you surprising depths if you give them a chance. The problem is, you don’t. Your famous stubbornness, which is a pillar of strength and reliability for those who’ve made the cut, is a wall to those who haven’t—some of whom really deserve to. It’s unfortunate how important first impressions have become to you (based on your generally sound and solid judgment), because there are a few exceptional people who just don’t look good until the second hour you’ve spent in their company. I’m not suggesting that you let just any old schmuck who knocks into your house. But I am suggesting that you let them, you know, call you.
