Online Dating: Assloads of Time-Saving

Dear Dategirl,

Here I am at work and I’m a bit bored, so I start looking through the personals (why I keep doing this to myself I don’t know, even though Dategirl says to look for the online lovin’). As always, within less than five minutes I am annoyed. Annoyed because I’m tired of seeing all these guys whose age range is 20 years younger than themselves and won’t even go out with women as old as they are! Annoyed by all the men of a certain age who say “I look younger than I am.” One douchebag on OK Cupid even wrote “I look much younger than my age, consequently I don’t date women older than myself.” And you know what—he looked his age! Maybe even older!

Plus, if you have to say that about yourself, it’s not true! Everyone looks their age; how can they not? Can you please address these annoying things and make people see that, really, they are kind of dumb?

—OK Stupid

Along with men who won’t date women born in the same decade, plenty of people—of both genders—won’t date outside their race, religion, or income bracket. There are idiots who will rule you out if you went to the wrong college, if your name ends in a vowel, or your hair is the “wrong” color. The beauty of online dating: It puts it all out there and saves you an assload of discovery time.

It saves you the trouble of waking up next to someone who starts banging on about “The Jews” over breakfast. It keeps you from bothering with the sunken-chest hiptard who “really likes” you, but dolefully confesses he “can only truly fall in love with an Asian woman.” And advance warning keeps your ego from being dinged by the aging bad boy willing to date only women young enough to be his daughter, and who fully believes that with the right lighting and enough PBR, she’s not going to notice the crow’s feet or the stray gray pubes clinging to his droopy balls.

I’m not saying it’s not a lot harder for the aging broad. It is. Men get distinguished, whilst we ladies just get old. Even though most of the women I know take far better care of themselves than their mates do, aging definitely has a far bigger impact on us.

I mean, look at guys like Julian Schnabel and Harvey Weinstein. Both fat, old, ugly, rich dudes who keep trading in gorgeous young women for even hotter, younger dames. When do you ever see that scenario work in reverse? So unfair.

Then there’s the whole biological-clock bullshit. A 60-year-old guy can wake up one morning and decide he needs to leave his genetic mark on the world. To get that done, Mr. Midlife Crisis needs a uterus that can make a baby, and that functional reproductive organ is generally housed in a woman under 40. Never mind that he’ll be dead before Junior graduates from high school.

Let’s face it, nobody wants to get old, but unless we pull an early croak, it’s going to happen. So sure, you can waste your time by getting angry at these deluded gentlemen who only want young tail, but what purpose would that serve, except to cause unsightly brow lines? Instead, take a page from their book and skew younger yourself. Hell, my man’s five years younger. (But I don’t look my age—kidding.) Believe me, there are plenty of strapping young lads who would appreciate a secure, seasoned broad who isn’t going to pester them to make babies or ask if those jeans make her ass look fat.

Besides, practically speaking, the average woman’s life expectancy is still five years longer than a man’s, and those Depends ain’t gonna change themselves.

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