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| HEROES | ZEROS |
|---|---|
| Lucky Bellevue residents can now file crime reports online. If it’s an emergency, they’ll e-mail a virtual police cruiser to your net address. | The oddly named Fnu Lnu, sheriff of Washington’s imaginary Freedom County, was arrested for impersonating a police officer. He’ll only face second-degree charges because he wasn’t very convincing. |
| U.S. Sen. Maria Cantwell and an all-female trade delegation got a warm welcome from Cuban strongman Fidel Castro. The socialist icon said he’d have opened Cuban markets years ago, “but those dumb Americans kept sending down old guys in suits.” | Bankrupt discount retailer Kmart may be forced to sell off its shoddy goods at bargain prices. Well, it worked for Wal-Mart. |
| Weyerhaeuser has finally captured rival Willamette Industries after a three-year hostile takeover battle. Top executives celebrated by getting liquored up and shooting some spotted owls. | Mariner slugger Brett Boone survived a slow free agent year by settling for a three-year, $25 million contract. Guess this means just one lakeside mansion and two swimming pools for the poor guy. |
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