Mr. Lonelyhearts

A translation guide to the gay male personals.

By David Massengill • October 9, 2006 12:00 am

It’s midnight. Do you know where your love life is? You’re stuck in a cubicle, wrapping up yet another project. The nearest gay-friendly hotspot is a 45-minute drive away, and work recommences at 6am. Your straight coworkers have the company cafeteria, Luanne’s Sports Bar, and Starbucks in which to meet and mingle, but alas, you’ve only got a PC and a cell phone. Ever hear of the personals? You don’t have to separate the talk from the tequila in a personal ad, nor do you need to squint through a haze of cigarette smoke to size up the source. But be warned: False advertising comes in many guises. Here are some ads, with translations, to help you determine Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong.

YOU & ME: GREAT COUPLE

Me: 6’2″ 32YO GAM, tanned, blond, xtremely fit, into gym, health, travelling, dancing, frolic. Live in SF. You: Masc, clean-cut, open-minded, prof. Meet for lunch at Broadway Grill?

YOU & ME: GREAT CREDIT

Me: 5’10” 35YO GAM, bleached-blond, looks-oriented gymbot, enjoy creatine shakes, napping on tanning beds, flying to LA, Miami, & NYC for circuit parties, GHB, X, blow. You: My Weekend Trick, play butch, xtremely body conscious, open to 3ways, paying for my nxt ticket to White Party. Meet me for grilled chicken breasts?

‘SUP DUDE!

Seriously handsome BiWM ISO buddy for cold brews, watchin’ TV, and hangin’ out. I’m 6′, 25, top, athletic, career-minded, not into Scene, live in Belltown. No femmes need apply! HIV-. I’m cool, you’re cool. (10″!)

BAD ATTITUDE!

Average-looking closeted GWM ISO sex buddy for flat Budweiser, old pornos, and sex action. I’m 5’8″, 22, repressed bottom, walk a lot at my temp jobs, scared to death of Cap Hill. Anyone will do. Never been tested. I’m horny, you’re horny. (5-1/2″!)

I’M ACE

GWM, 22, 5’11”, 175lbs, new to Seattle, fun. Likes: Broadway, shopping, listening to music, dancing, experimenting, mature men. Dislikes: Snobs, gym queens, and Bellevue. Brunch? (NSTDs)

BASKET CASE

GWM, 19, 5’10”, 145lbs, just fled from Idaho, high maintenance. Likes: Exile in the gay ghetto, Fred Meyer, The Pink Zone, body glitter, Mariah Carey remixes, The Cuff, Neighbours, Safari (sigh), occasional drag, leather daddies. Dislikes: ARO.space, ARO.space, and Bellevue. Brunch at Neighbours? (I’ve received my hepatitis vaccinations.)

LET’S GO!

I am a GWM in my 30s. I live just south of Seattle. I’ll pick you up in my truck and show you the countryside before we go for a beer.

PSYCHO!

I am a (reredrum) MWM in my 30s. I (llik) live just outside Vancouver, WA. I’ll (tnuh) pick you up in my truck and show you my baseball bat before I start breaking (slluks) bottles.

INTO THE CLASSICS

Me: Young 45YO GBM, 6’1″, 190lbs, $uccessful, Mercer Island, intelligent, creative, grt shape, into hiking, boating, skiing. You: Younger, vigorous, sharp mind, enjoy same as myself. Call today for a better tomorrow.

OUT OF THE PRESENT

Me: Young 54YO GBM, 5’11”, 210lbs, retired math teacher, nursing my ailing mother, into jogging, planting tulips, fleeing from Mercer Island. You: Under 30, not unattractive, not dumb, have hiked, boated, or skied at least once in your life. Call now. Please.

ROMAN HOLIDAY

GWM, 29, 6′, 180lbs, HWP, avg looks. Enjoy cooking, rainy days, grt conversation. You: Caring with a good head on your shoulders. Friends 1st. A wknd trip in the future?

YOUR LUCKY DAY

GWM, 29, 5’11”, 178lbs, beautiful body, twinkling eyes, & heartbreaking smile. Excellent cook, loves snuggling, sharing life stories. You: Ready to fall in love. LTR in future. Marry me in Vermont?

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