Make it a double (tall)

New caffeinated cures for struggling Supes.

STARBUCKS CHAIRMAN Howard Schultz will need some of his much-vaunted marketing genius to turn around his lethargic new franchise. Fortunately, as the lead investor in the January 11th $200 million purchase of the Sonics, the King of Caffeine has already got some early ideas for reinvigorating the squad:

  • To keep All-Star Gary Payton from fighting with his lame teammates and prevent further suspensions, switch the Glove to decaf and change his nickname to “Mellow Roast.”
  • Replace Vin Baker’s daily dose of Prozac with double espressos during each time-out. While we’re at it, give Sonic President Wally Walker a caffeine boost too. Our last unleaded manager, Paul Westphal, is one of the reasons we’re in this mess.
  • Rename KeyArena “KeyAroma,” with free refills available—and perhaps necessary!–for anyone willing to sit through an entire game.
  • Replace hoary, stinking, flea-bitten Squatch with friendly new hyperactive bean mascot “Jumpin’ Java Jiveman,” who shoots free Starbucks merchandise into the crowd. (No tipping, please.)
  • Supply pre-game national anthem and halftime entertainment by Schultz’s friend and favorite musician: Kenny G!
  • No free company pastries for Vin Baker! If he doesn’t lose some weight, repackage the fat-ass forward with the moniker “Special Brew” and sell him at a discount to any team foolish enough to swallow his $87 million contract.
  • To promote competition within the region, put up another taxpayer-funded stadium right next to KeyArena; label it “Seattle’s Best Arena” to house an NBA expansion team (the Seattle Home Brews?), then let the two organizations duke it out.
  • Seattle Center International Fountain will now spout jets of—yes, you guessed it—piping hot House Blend.
  • Tre-motion: Each time a Sonic sharpshooter nails a three-pointer, free triple shots delivered courtside.
  • Have Schultz convince his buddy Magic Johnson to come out of retirement for one last Demitasse Denouement tour.
  • Inspired by caf頡u lait, introduce the ferocious new French Press defense.
  • As a management perk, have publicly owned Seattle Center green space turned into Howard Schultz’s personal driveway.
  • Promote eco-friendly image for Nigerian rookie center Olumide Oyedeji—he’s shade-grown!
  • Package best Kevin Calabro play-by-play calls on CDs to be sold at Starbucks Hear Music listening kiosks, replacing tepid jazz and tired folk discs. (Yes, Lyle, that means you.)
  • Teach elder statesman Patrick Ewing how to pour a half-caf triple-tall mocha—he’ll need another job next season when his knees, ankles, back, and legs go.
  • KeyArena Drive-Up Coffee Window—staffed by topless Sonic dancers! (Your tipping is appreciated; lap dances extra.)