Look, I’m not the only person who turned 50 this year, OK.

Look, I’m not the only person who turned 50 this year, OK. I get that.

Sandra Bullock just hit the half-century mark, as did Russell Crowe, Michelle Obama, Lenny Kravitz, the ageless Elle Macpherson, Stephen Colbert, Wendy Williams, and Eddie Vedder, whose big-ass b-day is this December. Hell, according to mental_floss I’m not even the only THING that turned 50 years old in 2014, as their list of ancient icons included Jeopardy, Buffalo Wings, Dr. Strangelove (best movie of all-time), the 8-Track, but surprisingly not Adam Carolla. HuffPo’s got a whole series of blogs devoted to the subject including “Turning 50”, “Fitness Over 50” (did they not see my CrossFit story?), “Dating Over 50”, and “Women Over 50.”

But if all these celebs, geriatric tips, and historical artifacts are supposed to make me feel better, it’s not working, OK? I’m having a hard enough time as it is. So enough already. Let me “celebrate” my half-century in peace, solitude, and pain relievers.

OK, I’ll be honest. None of this 50-year aggregation really bothered me until I saw a link from AARP about “The 21 Sexiest Men Over 50”—all of whom still look damn good. They do indeed. They do, indeed….