I’ve been dating a woman for about two months now. She’s cool and all, but she’s a lousy kisser. The problem is her first approach is of the mouth-shut, press-really-hard variety. It’s like something out of My Life as a Dog. I’d expect an 8-year-old to kiss like that. When things get more intimate, she can kiss well, but usually not. She’s a bipolar kisser; there are no soft, sweet kisses in between. How do I train her?

Thanks,

Ned

Mmm . . . yeah, I’m familiar, though I’ve only experienced that particular brand of bad once. It was with a bisexual friend of a friend who—seemingly seconds after locking tightly pursed lips with me—decided he was actually full-on gay and retired to a farm somewhere in the Midwest. I seem to have that effect on men.

Maybe your girlfriend is a secret lesbian and finds kissing boys yucky. Do you have bad breath? Is she phobic about germs?

My first kiss was a doozy of a different strain. This fella had a Gene Simmons–sized tongue, and what should’ve been a sweet moment in Judy History was ruined by gagging and yelping (both mine) as he wrapped that thing around my tonsils.

I am not alone in having an unpleasant first time. A reader of my blog (www.dategirl.net) wrote that her first clamped his lips around her nose and then sucked! WTF? It was so unpleasant, she deduced she must be a lesbian if she loathed kissing a man that much. Oddly enough, that was my first thought way back when. (Later disproved in both of our cases.)

Over the years, I’ve experienced several droolers, a barf breather, a face licker, a chin chewer, and a dude who seemed to unhinge his jaw as he covered the area from my lower lip to the tip of my nose with his mouth, and then rhythmically thrust his tongue in and out. Besides being unpleasant, this was also potentially life threatening, as I couldn’t rely on my nose to help me breathe during the process because he’d sealed it shut with his big-ass mouth.

But probably my favorite awful lip lock was the time I was making out with a date in front of my building (this was the dead of winter, so I was wearing several sweaters and a thick coat), when suddenly he pulled away and started cackling maniacally. I looked down and saw that his dick was out and the front of my coat was covered in jizz. Thanks, asshole.

Obviously, Mr. Ejaculator was a onetime deal, but I’m embarrassed to say that several of the other pucker-impaired paramours remained in my life for varying degrees of time. Not only that, but I never did quite manage to set a one of them straight. Not that I didn’t try.

First, I recommend seizing a little control of the situation and gently holding her face while you move in for the smooch. Ladies love the face stroke, and if you can keep her in one place, she won’t be able to jam her mouth onto yours. After you’ve got a little something going, slide one hand around the back of her head and maybe grab some hair (by the roots, please!) at the nape of her neck as you coax her mouth open with your lips and tongue. Make it a project, and see if she picks up on it. If she does, tell her how hot it is when she kisses you that way.

But if she remains clueless, it’s time for Plan B.

This is where you actually have to talk technique with her, and this can get a little messy if you’re not careful. Just turn everything into a positive. By that, I mean that instead of saying something like, “You kiss about as well as my Auntie Gladys,” tell her how much you like it when she kisses you in the preferred manner. You might mention that you’re wondering if you have bad breath or if your mouth skeeves her in some way, because you’re starting to get paranoid. Who knows. Maybe you just need a Tic Tac.

Kiss and tell: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.