Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)Poor tongue-tied Libra. Your usual chattiness has failed you: Now that communication feels more urgent and necessary than it has in months or years, you’re fucked; everything comes out wrong. It won’t help when Jupiter—the planet of expansion—and fiery, intensifying Mars swoop into your sign later this week. All those immense, undeniable feelings will just get bigger and more acute—and even harder to articulate. Trying to convey all your pressing, exciting emotions will just frustrate you right now, so be patient. Next week, saying what you mean will be a simple thing—as long as you don’t have to wade through a mess you made this week trying.Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)You’re one of the good guys this week. You and I know you’re one of the good guys almost all the time—you’re just not attention hungry enough to point it out to those assholes who believe otherwise. Still, it’s nice when opportunities like those you’re privy to this week present themselves—cool shit that can’t help but attract favorable notice and recognition. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by avoiding these ventures for that reason. Just do them, then graciously accept the overdue praise when it comes. Those frequent pats on the back might feel unfamiliar—but still pretty good, no?Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)If you start coming down with the sniffles this week, get thee to bed. You’re used to ignoring signals like these in favor of some kind of superhuman self-image, but that’s so unhealthy. Some less vocal part of you—your body, your subconscious, heck, even your conscience—is just trying to say, “Slow the fuck down; I need a break.” Ignore these somewhat subtle messages if you can’t be bothered, but don’t say I didn’t warn you: At some point, your hidden, wiser self will dispense with gentle hints and knock you off your feet.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)This week, consider the wise words of your Capricorn brother, Kahlil Gibran: “The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say.” Why, you may ask, can’t people just be fucking direct and say what they mean (and vice versa)? Why do you have to be the evolved one who has to read between the lines? Sorry, my dear, but the only answer I have is: because you can.Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)The other day, I spent a couple hours floating blissfully in a hot, salty pool while underwater speakers piped me full of soothing music and multihued lights played gently across the arched ceiling. I wasn’t thinking about you then—the effect, in the moment, was deliciously ego erasing and thought tamping—but afterward I couldn’t stop reflecting on how much good something like that would do you. It’s not your style to escape yourself through alcohol or drugs, like some signs. But taking a break from being stuck inside your head is nevertheless called for. Luckily, there are ways to do that which are good for you (think massage, road trip, New Age spa, tantric sex). Try one.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)This week, be honest. Your impressive ability to lie to yourself (often for very compelling reasons) is your Achilles’ heel. Most of your suffering—and the suffering you unintentionally inflict on others—comes from when these deceits are uncovered, which they inevitably are, eventually. I don’t mean to beat you up here; everyone lies to themselves at times. It’s just that you’re becoming quite good at it, and things are getting out of hand. Examine your thoughts and actions over the next seven days, and make sure they jive. Remember, if it turns out there’s a lie, better it comes out now than later.Aries (March 21–April 19)I have yet to meet an Aries under 35 who doesn’t have at least one bad tattoo. It’s part of your impetuous nature, it seems, to rush out and get some ill-considered icon branded onto your body as soon as you possibly can, then regret it years later when you finally happen upon some wisdom to balance all that enthusiasm. This isn’t a bad thing. Tattoos are part of your history and reflect who you once were; to me that makes them fascinating. I mention this because of your recent attempts to cover up or ignore a bad tattoo (or some other part of your past you’re less than proud of). It doesn’t matter how ugly, lame, or embarrassing it is. You don’t need to be proud of it, but you’re not going to be happy until you at least accept it.Taurus (April 20–May 20)No news is good news, right? Sometimes. But the danger of weeks like this one, where nothing externally major is likely to occur, at least to you, is that you’ll fuck shit up. Sorry, but it’s true. Right now you’ve got so much energy, it might be difficult to let things lie. Instead of just enjoying the serene stillness, as a Pisces might, or worrying that it’s the calm before a Class-5 storm, like a Cancer would, you’re tempted to rock the boat until it’s nearly capsized. Curb these self-sabotaging instincts, would you? You’ve got a long trip ahead of you in precisely this fragile dinghy. Why set yourself up for more bailing and flailing than you’re in for already?Gemini (May 21–June 20)Stop cursing yourself. A series of coincidences isn’t proof that you’re fucked. One Gemini I know hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in a week; he keeps getting awakened by lovers’ quarrels (or make-up sex), garbage trucks, hoodlums, salesmen, etc. I blame the sleep deprivation for his leap to the absurd conclusion that he is doomed to never get a full eight hours again. The tricky thing is, once you start believing you’re not going to sleep well, you probably won’t. Beware of this tendency. If you start telling yourself a story that’s based on recent bad luck (that you’ll never get a job, you’re unlovable, sleepless, sexless, etc.), it could be become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you’re not careful.Cancer (June 21–July 22)A vicious truth is better than a kind lie, when dealing with you Crabs. Here’s why: You’re almost psychically ultrasensitive. So when some lame-ass cover story doesn’t jive with what your intuition is telling you, you start developing unhealthy habits of self-doubt. Even when the liar is outed later, those habits stick with you. I’m not saying anyone’s lying to you or fucking you over. I have no way of knowing that, one way or the other. But, considering the damage deception can deal you, I’d say it’s worth reiterating how important honesty is to you, and this is a good week to do it. However, try to avoid language like: “You lie to me, I’ll kick your ass.” It’s not helpful.Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)Ah, the full moon in Aries. Every year around this time, you’re tempted do something really fun—and really stupid. It’s no biggie; you always cope just fine with the regret afterward (of either doing it or not doing it). I just thought that this time around you’d like to try something different. Ask yourself: Is a thrilling moment (or few hours) worth days or weeks of consequences? I can’t answer that for you, and since you’re cool either way, the answer’s mostly irrelevant. Here’s the rub: Just by asking the question, you ought to be able to minimize the consequences or maximize the fun (though, sadly, probably not both).Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)You’re not eligible for sainthood until after you’re dead, so chill. Your empathy is dangerous right now. Because of the things you’re involved in, you’re brought into close proximity with people whose lives are profoundly different from yours. These intoxicating glimpses into diverse and exotic lifestyles can be especially compelling at the moment, but they’re just glimpses. Don’t let them sidetrack you. Sometimes it’s good to let a powerful impression guide you, but since you’re clueless about the big picture, that’s not the best plan. Letting your current experiences inform future decisions is a good thing. Allowing them to invalidate careful choices you’ve made over months or years? That’s fucked.