Jingle Balls

Jingle Balls

Dear Dategirl,

The other night, some friends and I—a mixed group of girls and guys—went out to a club. We were all drinking and having a good time. At the end of the night, a guy friend got a little drunk and grabbed my buns. Having had a few drinks, I got offended, reached out, and squeezed his balls. After about 10 seconds, I let go and he hit the ground, clutching his manhood. I walked away laughing, and my girlfriends thought it was hilarious. But now I’m not so sure. While I felt strangely empowered by it, I also feel kinda bad about it. I’m on vacation, so I won’t see him for a few days. Should I apologize?


I guarantee that every single guy who read your letter just cupped their crotch and hissed “bitch,” if not something more expletive-packed. No, your drunk friend should not have grabbed your ass. It’s a lame, stupid, shitty thing to do and you should’ve yelled at him—maybe dumped a drink over his head at most. But grabbing his balls and squeezing them? That’s akin to stabbing someone in the eye because they leered at your boobs. No doubt his action was creepy, but your overreaction is seriously fucked.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts to get your balls squeezed? No, you don’t. Nor do I, because I don’t have a set, but all males assure me it’s excruciating. I’ve heard the feeling compared to being electrocuted—with a searing jolt of pain running from head to toe. Case in point: I called my friend Ivan and read him your letter. After a few seconds of silence, he let off a stream of profanity so intense it would’ve seared your ear off if you’d been on the receiving end.

Think of it this way—what if it had been you who patted his bum? Do you think pummeling you in the face would have been a fair response? If the situation were reversed and a woman did something sleazy and stupid, and the offended guy then turned around and beat her until she was lying on the ground writhing in pain, would you and your girlfriends find it “hilarious?” Of course not. Why is it funny because it’s a dude?

Lady parts are all tucked neatly up inside us—dudes have to deal with low-hanging fruit, vulnerable to all sorts of attack and injury. Unlike your ass, there’s no muscle or fat to protect them—just a thin layer of skin standing between them and the elements. When you nail a guy in the nuts, his stomach muscles contract violently, causing him to bend over. He could even lose consciousness. Nausea usually follows, and there can be puking, bruising, and swelling. The pain can last for hours.

Not only that, but men have all sorts of mental and emotional connections to their balls. You know how unfeminine a woman sometimes feels after a mastectomy or hysterectomy? A dude’s virility is all tied up in his testicles. So when you fuck with his balls, you fuck with his head.

I’ve been the victim of the unwanted ass grab (what woman hasn’t?), but mine came from a stranger on the street. If a drunk friend had done the grabbing, I would’ve yelled and definitely would’ve called him the next day—when we were both sober—to tear him a new one. I wouldn’t have caused him excruciating physical pain. So yeah, you owe this guy an apology.

But above all, the fact that you feel empowered by causing someone extreme pain and possible injury is pretty repulsive. Maybe you should work out your sadistic side in a dungeon somewhere and get paid for it, but a night out at a bar with friends is not the place.


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