Illustration by Joshua Boulet

Can a moose get real for a minute, you guys? I’ve been at this a long time. Like, a longtime—since 1990. And I’ve done a lot of things since then. The T-shirt cannon. Making kids cry. That time I broke my ankle at the Kingdome.

More important, I’ve watched a lot of baseball over the past 24 years—most of it terrible.

So I can speak from authority. I know a loser when I see one.

And one thing I can say for certain: Jack Zduriencik, the Mariners general manager, isn’t a loser. This guy gets it.

Stay with me for a minute, because I know what you’re thinking: “Moose, man, don’t you read? Don’t you follow the blogs? Aren’t you on Twitter? Don’t you know the guy looks like a baby boy’s penis dressed up in a business suit? Don’t you see he’s terrible?”

That’s where you’re wrong, you guys. First of all, comparing Jack Z to a baby boy’s penis is just messed up, OK. You shouldn’t do that. It’s unconscionable. Have some decency.

But more important: Jack Z is The Man. He exudes integrity and great leadership. He’s a mastermind, a magician, and a visionary. He’s everything that’s right about baseball and America. He’s like a big, supple father figure to the whole organization, including me. He sees the big picture. He is the big picture. One day, some day, he will make a winner out of the Mariners. (Wait! What? No, he’s not making me say that. He’s not standing over my shoulder, sweating Grey Goose as I type this. He would never do something like that.)

I get it, though. I mean, a lot of really harsh things have been said about The Z Man, as I like to call him. I’ve heard he’s dysfunctional and unprepared. I’ve heard he’s stupid and obsessed with home runs (who doesn’t like home runs, you guys?). I’ve heard he doesn’t understand math, doesn’t get stats, and can’t count to 27. I’ve heard he meddles and nitpicks. I’ve heard he’s intimidating and manipulative. I’ve heard he humiliates co-workers for sport. I’ve heard he thought signing Chone Figgins was a really good idea. I’ve heard he once made Don Wakamatsu sob like Joey Cora.

Perhaps The Moose needs to address the elephant in the room. When Geoff Baker’s Seattle Times hit piece came out last year, it must have been a little disconcerting for fans to read all that negativity. It must have been a gut punch to learn that Jack had someone else prepare his application package for the Mariners GM job. It was no doubt alarming to read that Jack “never understood one iota of statistical analysis,” as his former right-hand man told it. I mean, that’s the sort of thing that can sour a fan base, especially after five seasons of putrid mediocrity under Z’s direction. I’m sure it all seemed very plausible. Maybe Jack Z was a fraud?

But here’s the thing: He’s not. Jack was smart enough to tell Chuck Armstrong and Howard Lincoln what they wanted to hear, and it worked. He got the job. When it comes to his resume, trust me, that kind of stuff happens all the time. Like, really, all the time. I never would have gotten a second interview with the Mariners if I hadn’t lied. Back in 1990, I hated kids and had never held a job for longer than three months. (In fairness, I’m a moose.)

Just look at me now. Everybody loves me.

Jack Z, in this moose’s opinion, deserves the same chance. Has he made mistakes? Sure. Was he the most qualified guy for the job when he was hired? Probably not. Does he understand statistical analysis? Not really. Does he look like a baby boy’s penis? Some have said.

But he gets it. He knows what his bosses want, and he delivers. He’s a company man, just like me. And that’s what really matters.

Trust me.

. . . At least for one more season.

To read the rest of Seattle Weekly’s Very Unofficial Guide to the 2014 Mariners, click here.