If Lovin’ Rahm is Wrong…

If Lovin' Rahm is Wrong...

Dear Dategirl,

Though I was happy to vote for him, I have to say, there are seriously no sparks for me with Obama. Honest to dog, he is just another politician. But all you have to do is look at any photo of ol’ Rahm Emanuel and intuit that he is a SUPER FREAK!!!! Is it wrong of me to fantasize about servicing Mr. Emanuel while he’s in full leather?

—Henry

Henry, I totally share your yen for Rahm’s staff—so no, I don’t think you’re wrong. But on the off chance you are, I’m standing right there beside you. Salivating. As are the readers of Gawker.com who voted our boy their fave hottie out of all the incoming Obama staffers.

But what is it about Rahm that makes him a standout among an administration with no shortage of lookers? Is it his shock of perfectly groomed silver hair? Unlike David Gregory (barf!), Rahm knows the importance of keeping it short. I wonder if he and Anderson Cooper share a barber? Perhaps we’re drawn to his warm brown eyes—such a contrast to his fiery temper. His very unpoliticianish way of speaking his mind is also appealing. This is a dude who described Republicans as “bad people who deserve a two-by-four upside their heads.” I couldn’t agree more! Also, he refers to D.C. as “Fucknutsville” and calls Republicans “Knucklefucks.” Hot damn, I love a pottymouth.

Then again, maybe it’s because he used to be a ballerina—meaning he’s also quite limber. Mrow! Rahm’s mother has mentioned to the press on more than one occasion that she remains disappointed her son gave up a promising dance career in favor of politics. Like Rahm, I also disappointed my mother repeatedly. We have so much in common!

Even though he’s no longer rockin’ the leotard, Rahm still keeps his tight little bod (reportedly a power-packed 5′ 7″) in tip-top physical condition. He’s a triathlete, and The New York Times reported that he usually swims a mile a day, but “on days he does not swim, he works out, and conducts business, at the House gym: 25 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes on the elliptical, 120 situps, 55 push-ups, and many sweaty conversations with his former colleagues.” Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the White House steam room.

In my fantasy, Rahm is growling into his headset, pacing across his office like a caged leopard in a rumpled suit. He’s pulled his tie open because the veins in his neck were choking him after a morning spent screaming at Republicans who wanted to cut affordable birth control access out of the stimulus package. (I love a man with a fiery temper, don’t you?) Rahmbo’s mid-snarl to the laughably misnamed House Minority Leader, John Boehner (like that douche would give anyone a boner), when he notices me standing there wearing only a vintage slip, a smear of red lipstick, and a coy smile. He gives me a gruff nod and gestures for me to shut his office door. He offers one final cutting insult to Boehner, pulls his headset off, and throws it to the floor.

“C’mere,” he growls.

I happily obey and slide onto his desk. Rahm has one arm around my waist, and the hand with the half-finger is gripping a handful of my hair. I ask if I can suck on his stump. Rahm shoots me a hurt look and turns away. I fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness. Rahm turns and roughly pushes his abbreviated digit into my willing mouth. I suck on it until I get distracted by another, more pressing appendage.

Anyway, I’m also with you as far as Obama goes. No doubt our new prez is a fine-looking man, but he’s just so calm, so dignified. Perfect for running the country, but nothing that appeals to me between the sheets. He and Michelle look like they “make love,” but I think you and I, Henry, are looking for more of a fucker.

And I think we found that fucker in Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com


Talk to us

Please share your story tips by emailing editor@seattleweekly.com.

More in News & Comment

t
Peter Rogoff to step down as Sound Transit CEO in 2022

Became CEO in 2016; search for replacement to begin

Puget Sound renters will need housing assistance
Puget Sound renters will need housing assistance

Nonprofits, activists are expecting greater need as workers are laid off.

File photo/Sound Publishing
Ban on single-use plastic bags in WA begins Oct. 1

Shoppers will have the choice to pay for a reusable plastic or recycled paper bag.

file photo
Housing and finance insiders call for subsidized housing families can own, instead of rent

Advocates say increasing homeownership will strengthen the community, build intergenerational wealth

Map of proposed landfill expansion sites (screenshot from King County website)
Waste management expert knocks county’s plan to expand landfill

The waste management advocate said the decision to expand seems pre-determined despite assessment.

file photo
State employees including first responders sue state over vaccine mandate

The lawsuit filed on behalf of more than 90 plaintiffs claims Inslee’s order is unconstitutional.

Pixabay photo
Union carpenters to go on strike, expected to impact Eastside Microsoft projects

Members authorized strike after rejecting AGC offer for the fourth time.

file photo
The state’s hospitals face “unprecedented collapse” amid COVID uptick warn healthcare unions

Union spokeperson says understaffing was a problem even before the pandemic.

Gov. Jay Inslee talks about schools reopening during a past news conference. (Screenshot courtesy of TVW)
Masks required at big outdoor events; vaccine mandates expanded

Governor’s mask order takes effect Sept. 13.

Pixabay image
King County is looking for community members to help oversee law enforcement accountability

Community Advisory Committee for Law Enforcement Oversight is in need of applicants.

Garbage at the Cedar Hills Regional Landfill in Maple Valley. FILE PHOTO
Why burning our trash may not be as bad as it sounds

Understanding waste-to-energy’s financial and environmental impact in King County.