Hot, Horny, Hung Hookers Wanted!

Hello, Dategirl,

I’ve become a regular reader of your column and just read the one about your getting dumped. When I read it, I thought, “Ouch!” Sorry about that. Try not to beat yourself up over it. When you date, you put yourself out there to a bunch of losers and idiots who can’t put their shoes on the correct foot. Everybody makes bad judgments, but only a few are able to recognize it. I empathize with you; like you, I seem to always pick losers. I usually attract women who don’t want a relationship, just sex—I’m sure you find that hard to believe because I’m a man, but it’s true. I have used (or try to use) a simple method to at least reduce the chances of dating losers. The method: If you’re attracted to someone, there’s probably something very wrong with them. YOU MUST DO THE OPPOSITE! If you’re attracted, run away—fast! It’s worked for me (when I’ve actually used it). Good luck with being on your own. It’s not that bad at all. Just hang with friends and get outside in the sun.

Helpful Harry

Helpful Harry, you are a wise and insightful man. I am sorry that you, too, seem to be cursed with the freak magnet. I know how difficult and painful that can be. I had been utilizing your flee technique for a while, but a few months ago I thought I came up with a novel solution for screening potential dates: I decided to put my friends in charge of my love life and let two very different pals fix me up.

The first friend, a lawyer, set me up with a very nice, intelligent man who also happened to be profoundly depressed. While I appreciated the kind gesture, there was zero chemistry.

The second friend, a cartoonist/writer, fixed me up with a guy who was like a chemistry experiment gone haywire. He was fun and cute and smart, with the added attraction that I never knew what he was going to do next! Despite misgivings I had along the way, I figured, hell, I didn’t pick him, so he must be OK. Wrong-o! Hello, heartache!

So I find myself in a quandary. Obviously, I have wretched taste in men, and now I find that my friends do too. I’m fine with being single—I think I’m best when left to my own devices. But who doesn’t like a warm bod and a big dick in her bed once in a while? What’s a girl to do? At times in my life, I’ve had purely sexual relationships with certain men. I could call them, they could call me—no strings attached. We liked each other, but not in “that way.” These relationships inevitably fell by the wayside when one of us hooked up with someone serious. And bar pickups are easy for just about any chick, but you never know what you’re getting. They might be too drunk to fuck, or you could end up with some psycho sporting support hose under his Levi’s (true story).

I got to thinking, wouldn’t it be nice to have some hot guy come over, service me, and then leave—someone who wouldn’t speak unless spoken to, someone who wouldn’t whine about wearing a condom, and someone who wouldn’t stop till I was satisfied. I’d pay a couple bucks for that! Then I thought (not for the first time) that perhaps I was weird—an aberration among women. So I did a quick phone survey of my single girlfriends (and some not-so-single). All but one said they would hire a hooker if the opportunity presented itself. “I’m the only nice girl you know,” the sole holdout snipped. However, since she’s married and hasn’t been single in quite a few years, her opinion is rendered invalid. Give it time, my sister—you’ll be queuing up for the rent boys in a couple years too!

This drought inspired me to seek some hooker dudes for my lovelies and me to enjoy. After my friend Bob (normally a source for all things prurient) came up dry, I took to the Web, where, as luck would have it, one can find tons of prostitutes for men—both male and female—but only a few catering to the lonely, horny het female. The only ones I could find were in San Francisco, LA, or Europe! My favorite was a site in London that offered a “discretionary DISCOUNT for ‘Attractive’ Lady Clients.” Whoo boy! As any of us would be considered “attractive” (even without quotes), I think I found us a source for hot boys at bargain-basement prices! Too bad we have to fly to the land of fish ‘n’ chips to take advantage. Men of Seattle, I smell a market niche that needs to be filled!


Do you have a niche that needs to be filled? Write dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.


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