Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
According to South Park, holding in your farts can make you spontaneously combust. According to me, holding in your grief can give you sinus infections; containing your anger can make you bitter and passive; and, worst of all, repressing your desire for love (and the bits of human neediness that come with) will leave you lonely and exhausted. When passing gas to avoid unspeakable explosions, some times and places are more appropriate than others. The important thing is finding those apposite occasions. Same thing goes for your emotions. By all means, wait until the right moment to express them, but when that moment comes, don’t hold anything backlet ‘er rip.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
People may use unfamiliar words to describe you this week, like “comforting,” “gentle,” and “safe.” You’re not used to feeling like a homemade quilt, a puppy, or a cup of hot cocoa. These edgeless sources of warmth are generally quite different than the blaze you usually providewhich is fierce enough to burn as well as heat things up. But your scorch factor is dialed quite low this week. Your barely repressed desire to scald and scare has been subverted into a more passive wish to just be there for those who need you. This won’t last long, but ending it won’t be your doing. For now, let those who want it bask in your comfy warmth, because they’ll be demanding you crank things to more dangerous temperatures soon enough.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re grilled cheese, you’re chocolate, you’re the fucking Beatles. Whether they particularly like you or not, the people you encounter have to acknowledge your basicand nearly universalappeal. Those who don’t are fooling themselves, and aggravating me and your other fans. Still, those caffeine-free, lactose-intolerant, rock and roll-hating folks don’t matter much in the grand scheme of your life. There’s a time and a place to convert those straddling the fence to the Cult of You, but this ain’t it. For now, graciously please your loyal followers and politely ignore your detractors, no matter which group is more vocal.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
To all my fellow skeptics: Sure, astrology is bullshit. It’s a load of fucking hooey, and I don’t use that word lightly. But get this: It’s also real. It’s as real as the stock market, and you believe in that enough to do day trading, right? Financial advisers like Crawford Perspectives and Cycles Research think it’s worth checking out, too. According to Forbes.com, they’ve generated double-digit returns with investments based on astrological indicators. My pointsomething like astrology is only as real or important as you make it. But so are a lot of other things, and you occasionally find them useful enough to believe in.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Trim your nose hairs, wax your back, clip your toenailsall metaphorically, of course. Although the one(s) you most want to impress may also be checking out physical particulars like these, what they’ll primarily be looking at are psychic hangnails. What teeth have you left unbrushed, which pimples unpopped, and how many split ends unsnipped? Make sure your conscience is as clean as a whistle, your ego not overinflated, and your humble charm dialed all the way up. If you spend as much time grooming your mental health this week as those vain Librans do primping in the bathroom, you’ll do just fine.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You can be mighty perplexing to those who wish they could see a more tangible, predictable connection between your intentions and actions, because very oftenespecially latelywhat you do is almost exactly the opposite of what you said you wanted to do. So? You’re a flip-flopper; that’s part of your Piscean nature. However, since at least one of those observing you is in a position to give you something you greatly desirebut only if you fulfill their slightly unfair expectationsit may be in your best interest to embody less contradiction and more reliability. Luckily, this week’s astrological forces will help you do just that.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You may have to sing for your supper this week, or your sex, or your promotion, or your role as the center of attention, or all of these things. Luckily, you love being put on the spot, even while you profess to hating it, because it gives you a chance to shine. I’m warning you because you shouldn’t pass up any opportunity to prove yourselfyou may not get a second. A moment of false modesty (“No, no, I simply couldn’t!”) will send the spotlight on to the next person, who simply can and will, and you’ll have to do without dinner, fucking, a raise, or popularity.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There is simply no way I could nail your horoscope on the first try. It takes several drafts for me to cram what I want to say into the space I have to say it in, and to articulate it as precisely and concisely as possible. Less is more. In your laudable efforts to get it right the first time, you’ve sprawled your sentiment across three states. No one wants to read an essay in smoky skywriting. This week, pare things down to their simplest forms. Cut your 50-word marriage proposal down to five. That’s all you need.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re sweet, always there for people, constantly cheerful, good company. There’s little I can offer you in the way of advice, but if I had to come up with one thing: You’re too independent. You’re so self-sufficient that you don’t give those who long to get closer to you any openings to be there for you. I’m not saying you should go all soft and weak and needy. But you could move a half-step in that direction. Receptivity and vulnerability are this week’s key words. Sometimes getting is more important than giving, and since many folks you know are all too eager to give to you, why not offer them the chance?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It’s a good week to meet new people, but not to get to know them. That’s a tricky distinction, especially because the first impression you’re generating right now is magnetically irresistible. Unfortunately, behind the surface of a friendly face-to-face, your magnetic poles are misalignedthings are bound to get prickly and uncomfortable, because you’ll rub your new acquaintances the wrong way and vice versa. It’s better to be glib, charming, and only hint at the depths you possess, instead of inviting your enchanted potential friends to plunge in. Save that for next week, when their rough edges won’t catch against yours.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week, you’ll despise everyone. Not the whole week; hopefully your contempt will contain itself to one or two tragic minutes, when your generally sunny perspective will be overwhelmed by the miserable, self-destructive failings of our race. I hope that you can transcend your disdain quickly, because if you’re anything like me, you hate hating everyone. It sucks when some ugliness you encounter eclipses all the beauty and kindness and dreaming we also create. Surround yourself with people who consistently inspire or delight you, so you won’t get stuck in the black mood when it hits. And if you happen to be away from the dreamers you love when shit goes down, take my words on faith: There is good in the world, even if you can’t see it. Just wait. It’ll turn up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Patience isn’t one of your best virtues, so you can understand all too well when those who are waiting on you start to get antsy and worried. They’re used to your usual instantaneous action. You’ve spoiled them, by creating a world in which things are almost easier done than said. Now, when what you’re working on simply can’t be finished faster than it is, no matter how efficient or dedicated you are, people are bound to get impatient. Don’t let them rush you, though. Despite their urgency, results really are more important than doing things in record time. And since you rarely do anything half-ass, when they see how well you’ve done, they’ll quickly forget how long it took.
