Dear Dategirl,
She and I met at the gym (she was an instructor), and immediately it was like we were longtime friends. We were so close, people would often ask if we were married.
Fast-forward a couple years, and things began to change. She started to tell me about “problems” with her current relationship, and would get upset if I went out with other women. I let her know that if she were single, I was interested. That’s when things got awkward, and she cut off all communication. That was two years ago.
A few months ago she showed up at my church. I smiled but left without speaking to her. More recently, I received a spam e-mail from her, so I let her know her account had been hacked, and this triggered a weeklong conversation. This ended when I asked how her relationship was going. She said fine, then changed the subject. I chose not to respond.
Now here comes the part I am trying to understand . . .
Through all of this, her best friend (who also goes to my church) has been friendly, but over the last few months she has been contacting me more often. In November, the best friend had me over to her house for dinner with her husband, for what felt like an interview. She wanted to know what I was doing for the holidays, what clubs I liked going to . . . that kind of thing.
From my experience, when Guy-meets-Girl ends, typically all of Girl’s friends cut ties with Guy. I don’t understand Girl’s best friend taking the time and effort to build a friendship with Guy more than a year after Guy-meets-Girl ends. What’s going on here?
—Confused and Crushed Out
Maybe I’m off base, but I don’t think there’s much to be confused about as far as the BFF goes. Contrary to your black-and-white view of the world, I’ve stayed pals with both sides of a broken-up couple. Besides, from what you’ve written, it doesn’t appear as though your Big Love happened anywhere except inside your head. You had a gym crush. Totally understandable. Who hasn’t had a crush on their trainer? It’s as common as getting moist in the jeans over your bartender. These people are the rock stars of the service industry, and it’s their job to be attractive and flirty.
That things got awkward as soon as you declared your intentions should’ve made it clear she wasn’t having it. Perhaps she enjoyed having you around to feed her ego, which would explain why she was annoyed when you dated other women. But the fact that nothing ever happened between you, yet you have been fixated on her for years now, is a little freaky.
Most people who’ve been in a relationship for more than five seconds complain about it occasionally. Certainly she should’ve been savvier about picking a confidant, but it sounds as if she thought you were friends. Think about it from her side: Do you know how disappointing it is to open your heart to someone only to discover that the sole reason they’re hanging around is the off chance you’ll give them a piece of sweet booty action?
You can waste more hours of your life trying to figure out the motivations behind the BFF’s friendship attempts, but maybe she just plain likes you. If you think something more duplicitous is at play, either ask her about it or quit hanging out with her.
Short answer: You need to move on. The trainer lady is not interested and she’s in love with someone else. After all, you’re a churchgoing guy—wouldn’t breaking up another person’s relationship be considered a sin anyway? Do you really want to spend your afterlife in hell? (With me?)
