Future washed-up porn star Courtney Stodden turns 17 today! There’ll be bumper
Published 7:00 am Monday, August 29, 2011
Future washed-up porn star Courtney Stodden turns 17 today! There’ll be bumper bowling this afternoon and a pinata. But everyone needs to be done by 6 p.m. so Stodden’s 51-year-old husband can get home and watch his Matlock reruns before bed.Here’s a list of birthday presents we’d like to give America’s favorite child bride.– A gift certificate for lip-enhancement surgery. Whatever essence of Mick Jagger the doctors injected into Stodden’s kisser isn’t enough. It’s time to inflate those mouth worms and set a record for most ridiculous pout.– A court order barring her from reading any books, ever. Not sure if we can obtain said document. But a crayon-colored piece of paper with a “No reading” symbol might be enough to convince her that the law requires that she stay as utterly stupid as she is now, thus ensuring several years of entertaining idiocy.– A Cialis sponsorship for Doug Hutchison. Lithe, young teens certainly work their own magic in getting doddering old men amped up for bedsport. But with a 34-year age difference between bride and groom, Doug’s ability to keep his overly erotic wife satisfied is likely to directly depend on his intake of erection-inducing pharmaceuticals. Cialis ought to have some room in its sponsorship bathtub.– A 6-week-old puppy to mate with Stodden’s ugly-ass lapdog. Seeing her bizarre relationship played out in the animal world might give the teen bride some much-needed perspective.– A lifetime supply of Pall Mall 100 cigarettes. Stodden already looks like she’s been sucking down Pall Malls at the cougar bar for the past decade or so. It’s time to make it official.Follow The Daily Weekly on Facebook and Twitter.
