Dear Uptight Seattleite,

There’s a new QFC that just opened here in West Seattle, so it has like 80x the staff of a regular QFC. Going there is a spa-like experience. So I thought I’d get my deli sandwich extra-lickity-split fast. But no. Because the manager turned the making of the sandwich into a training exercise for the deli worker. He basically made this woman recite a script he was creepily mumbling into her ear the whole time. “Now ask her what kind of cheese she wants,” he’d mumble, as if I weren’t there. My question is, can one enjoy a sandwich that’s dripping with humiliation?

Westside Peg

Dear Peg,

Gee, Peg, not to put you on the spot or anything, but it would seem that you’re in a better position to answer that question than anyone. Did you enjoy the sandwich? Or not? I wouldn’t think less of you either way. This is strictly for informational purposes. For my files, as it were.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Could you please remind those who are having their beverage INSIDE a coffee shop that it takes about two to five seconds to tell the barista that their “drink is for here, could you please give me a mug?” So few words, such huge savings.

Nicky Nicole

Dear Nicky Nicole,

It can really be hard to wedge your empty coffee cup securely into the coffee shop’s bus tub when the tub’s totally full. It’s so much more satisfying to press it with careful humility into the corner of a totally empty tub, courteously making room for subsequent cups. It blows my mind how some people abuse the privilege of an empty tub by imperiously placing their used cup in its very center.

Now I know that doesn’t directly address your letter, Nicky Nicole. In fact, it’s barely related to what you said at all. I guess I’m at a bit of a loss because I don’t have anything to add to your excellent suggestion. All I can say is “Well said.” Well, there is one minor point. For the situation you describe, I think “For here, please” is the usual expression, and it takes even less time to say than the one you suggested. It also eliminates the somewhat inapt word “mug.” I know I don’t get my doppio macchiato in no mug, if you’ll excuse the force of my colloquial language. At least not at any coffee shop I’d go to twice.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

This guy at work, instead of giving a definitive answer about something, will say “Yeah, that feels right.” Ugh. It’s such a squishy, repulsive expression.

Cat

Dear Cat,

Squishy like a squishy frog? Squishy like jazzercising toes in polyester socks? Funny you should say “squishy” (squishy like a boiled squash? OK, OK, I’ll stop!), since the situation you describe is so crisply ironic: What feels right to him feels wrong to you. You don’t want to be hostile or confrontational, but you don’t want to be a silent victim, either. I suggest repeating the mantra “feel alright” out loud whenever your coworker uses his phrase:

Him: That feels right.

You: Feel alright.

He may have no idea what you mean, but his subconscious will be basking in the warm rays of affirmation you’ll be sending his way. His hesitating, timid mindset (which can clearly be heard echoing through that phrase of his) will soon be replaced by feeling alright. You’ll both be feeling alright. I mean, if that’s not too “squishy” for you. 😉

Dear Uptight Seattle,

My bike mechanic called me “brother” the other day. “Here you go, brother,” he said as he wheeled my bike out. This seemed a bit much to me. Am I being a fuddy-duddy?

Dudley

Dear Dudley,

I sometimes throw a “brother” at a guy to see if he can roll with it or not. If he can, he goes in one category, and if he can’t, he goes in another slightly lower category. Oh, come on, Dudley! You don’t really believe it’s like that, do you? If so, please relax! Saying “brother” is simply a way to express a certain soulful ease with the world. If the other party doesn’t feel the same soulful ease—for whatever reason—that is totally cool. You are totally cool, Dudley.

And you’re certainly not wrong to feel what you feel. No wrong feelings! That would be my suggested mantra for you. In fact, if we were to judge someone for being in the wrong here—which we’re not going to do—it would be the young bike mechanic. At least I assume he’s young. The overly routine way that he seems to be flipping “brothers” around certainly suggests inexperience. So rather than stiffening up when he calls you that, smile a distant smile that shows you live in an even more laid-back reality than he does and let his youthful enthusiasm wash harmlessly over you.