Dear Uptight Seattleite,
What should I do when one of those kids with a clipboard leaps into my path to ask, “How’s it going? Would you like to help children today?” If I don’t happen to want to have a 15-minute conversation that ends with me handing over a check, I end up feeling like a rat slinking away from their idealistic young eyes.
Shin the Shirker
Dear Shin,
The weakness in the aggressive thrust of these young people is subtle, but unmistakable to the steady eye, like the chink in the underbelly of the dragon Bilbo slew at the end of The Hobbit. This weakness is that there is no reason you have to answer the question at all. As you have correctly deduced, there is no good answer anyway. So answer some other question. “Yes,” you can say, “I have already given online, thanks! Good luck to you!” Or: “The bus station? Two blocks east, one block west.” If they say, “No, I said…,” cut them off with a smile and a quick, “Sure I’m sure. You can practically see it from here!” You can also cover your escape with a quick cloud of confusion along the lines of, “OK, but has the shipment of Zamfir come in yet?” If you can’t give money, a non sequitur may be just the ticket—that’s my motto.
But even if they don’t represent the most efficient means of charitable fundraising, remember that these kids are doing the best they can with their budding young consciousnesses. They simply haven’t had as much time to explore and work things out as, for example, someone with a master’s degree. So avoid outright rudeness.
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
Even with the winter and the recession, we seem to still get a lot of tourists. Is there a right way and a wrong way to talk to them when they ask for directions?
Native Nelly
Dear Nelly,
You might think this is a routine encounter, but you’d be wrong. It’s nothing less than an opportunity to restore people’s faith in humanity—and to give yourself a rosy glow of satisfaction. So whatever you do, don’t make it simple.
Sure, you could point and tell them where to turn, and that may even be what they think they want. Instead, be as detailed as possible, without limiting yourself to some schematic, closed-minded idea about what’s “relevant.” Go over the directions twice, the second time illustrating each step with elaborate hand motions. Whip out your Moleskine and draw a map with sketches of major landmarks and arrows pointing out the whimsical details along the route. If you know a foreign language, offer to explain it again in that language. Walk part of the way with them to make sure they’ve really got it. While you’re walking, tell them funny stories about the history of the neighborhood. This is your moment to shine! Send them away with the feeling that they just won the lottery of random kindness. Let me phrase that in a slightly more urgent way: If you send them away with less than this feeling, are you really doing your best to lead a life of intentionality?
Sorry! I was starting to get a little preachy there. I guess I’m still fired up from the afternoon I spent recently with a German family in matching biker jackets who were trying to find the Market.
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
Is it in bad taste to replace a dead dog with a dog of the same breed?
Pug Loving Peter
Dear Peter,
Not at all! Its breed was part of your dog’s self. To love the same breed-specific qualities in another dog is to healthfully embrace the warm associations you have with your previous dog. But don’t take it too far. Be sure to respect the individuality of dog number two. You can use a name for the new dog that evokes the old one, for example, but keep it tasteful. Too direct a reference will make the dog feel inadequate. If your old dog was Marley, for example, calling the new one Ziggy is OK. Names like Boots Junior, King the Lesser, Latter Day Larry, and Poor Man’s Marmalade are not.
Can you teach the old dog’s tricks to the new dog? Sure, that’s fine. But pay attention to the effect this has on you. If Zimmy on his hind legs begging for soy jerky looks so much like Dylan that you begin to sob uncontrollably, the dog will find this very distressing. Let him lick those tears away and take you outside for a nice poop in the park. Good luck!
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