Dear Dategirl,
My husband didn’t come home last night. He told me he’d be working late, but I’m writing this note at 10 a.m. and still haven’t heard from him. His work and cell phones went straight to voicemail all night. Finally his assistant picked up my husband’s line this morning, but told me he was in a meeting. At least I know he’s alive. There’s no use grilling his assistant because the kid looks up to my husband (who is fairly powerful). I know he’d never give him up.
We have been having problems, but he’s never done anything this reckless and cruel. I’m a stay-at-home mom with two children, one of whom has special needs. I feel like packing them up into the car and dropping them off at his office, but I won’t. I am so angry. He’s obviously having an affair, and now isn’t even bothering to try to hide it. I am losing it, though trying hard to keep myself together for the kids. I have no idea what I should do. Any ideas?
—Miserable Mom
Clearly, there is always a chance that he’s not fucking around on you. One night away doesn’t necessarily indicate another woman. Perhaps he’s taken up binge drinking and was passed out under a bar somewhere, or is in the grip of a midlife crisis that involves all-night, high-stakes poker games or furtive circle jerks at the local gay bar. (Though I guess that last one counts as cheating.)
But unless he’s injured, dead, or has been abducted by aliens, there’s really no reasonable answer a married guy with two kids can give for disappearing overnight without so much as a text message. I’ve had boyfriends who took off for days without a word, but we weren’t living together, nor did we have babies. (Oh, and they were assholes and probably cheating on me.) Once you pop out a kid, your right to be an irresponsible jackass is revoked. At least that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Until you talk to him and hopefully get the truth, there’s really no predicting how this is going to play out. Regardless of his answers, I do have a few suggestions:
• Start socking away some dough. He’s acting shady and is showing you that he can’t be trusted. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but is it wrong to have a few bucks set aside to feed the kids and pay the mortgage if he decides to go AWOL again?
• Find a good therapist and make an appointment—for couples counseling for both of you, if possible. But if he won’t go, please go anyway.
• Locate and make copies of all your important papers—your kids’ birth certificates, tax returns, passports, marriage license, etc. Then leave the copies with someone you trust. Hopefully you won’t need them, but it’s good to have copies in case of a fire.
• If you aren’t satisfied with the answers he provides, think about putting a keylogger on your home computer to check his passwords and activity. Also, look at his cell-phone bill. Technology has made it easier to cheat, but also far simpler to catch someone in the act.
• If anyone gives you shit about snooping (or me for suggesting it), remind them that there are two kids involved—including one who needs a lot of extra help—and they need protecting. Good luck.
