To appreciate the scope (or lack thereof) of a turtle’s daily regimen requires laser focus. Turtles move slowly, so slowly that a near-meditative state of observance is necessary to catch them in motion. With this in mind, one must question the wisdom of former turtle-owner Aron Parsons’ purchase of Zoe, a Pomeranian puppy who suffered from the torture that is attention deficit disorder (ADD).
Dogs are not generally known as attentive animals. They can be sitting peacefully one moment, yet if the refrigerator opens, there they run, in search of ground beef. But Zoe’s ADD was so advanced that she never learned to sit, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, at hyperspeed.
Parsons’ two turtles, Yellow Belly Cooters named Tom and Drew, hated the dog’s manic meanderings yet tolerated Zoe in the interest of domestic harmony. Sadly, without first consulting a canine psychiatrist, Parsons chalked up his dog’s failure to heel to the turtles’ mere presence. So he booted them out of his house—quite literally, in fact. Twenty-four hours after their eviction, they’d made it halfway across Parsons’ front yard. Two days after the eviction, they’d reached the curbside mailbox. A week after the eviction, Parsons regretted ever having shown Tom and Drew the door.
Yet by this point, Parsons was dead to the turtles. They had put up with the Pomeranian puppy’s propensity for stealing their food and taking heaping dumps in their tank. They forgave Zoe when she’d pick them up, one by one, in her mouth and deposit them in Parsons’ commode. The thanks they got: a pink slip.
Last the turtles were heard from, they’d made it to the home of Frank and Wynona Heathcoat, who live a mere two blocks from Parsons’ Squire Park duplex. Upon signing their new lease, Tom and Drew insisted upon a “no-dog clause,” which the Heathcoats readily agreed to.
“We like the slow life,” says Wynona. “And Tom and Drew are nothing if not slow.” Parsons and Zoe continue their lonely co-existence, at hyperspeed.
If you would like your deceased pet to be considered for this space, please send a high-resolution 4-by-6 photo and brief description of his or her life to petcemetery@seattleweekly.com.
