The battle starts anew this Saturday night, dividing Seattle into two implacably opposed camps. It’s the perennial grudge match pitting Seafair Clowns against Seafair Pirates. Who will be in which faction this year? See our official roster below.
| CLOWNS | PIRATES |
|---|---|
| CRAIG McCAW | MARIA CANTWELL |
| Formerly infallible wireless visionary becomes XO bozo as net worth plummets. Currently seen driving jalopy around Hunts Point with oversized “woo-ga” horn. | Leading brigand of the Democratic fund-raising circuit, onetime multimillionaire relentlessly plunders donors of their doubloons and pieces of eight. |
| MONORAIL BOOSTERS | TIM EYMAN |
| Delusional zealots of Jetsons-era mass transit persist in promoting staggeringly expensive, unworkable circus-ride apparatus guaranteed to inspire another Simpsons episode. Hey bozos, elephants don’t get stuck in traffic either. | Unapologetic Kitsap County looter of public donations sails shamelessly back into the political fray, trains his cannon on Sound Transit, and calls for the removal of tax on men-of-war. |
| GREG NICKELS | JEFF BEZOS |
| Rotund, ineffectual cream-puff mayor deserves cream pie to face. Didn’t even graduate from clown college. | With accounting ledgers safely buried in a treasure chest, Amazon’s CBO (Chief Buccaneering Officer) leads his ship to profitability. Again the Jolly Roger flies high over PacMed. |
| RICK BELLUZZO | APOLO OHNO |
| Lasted 14 months as lackey/coffee boy to Bill and Steve in Redmond; currently seeking work as children’s birthday party entertainer under old stage name, Belluzzo the Clown (specialty: balloon animals). | Swashbuckling, earring-wearing speedskater absconds with gold medal. Owns parrot. |
| GARY LOCKE | MILLIE PADUA |
| Left alone in New Democrat big top, overshadowed by glamorous wife, upstaged by adorable children, now left to carry the shovel behind state House elephants. (What’s that we see through the greasepaint—a tiny clown tear?) | 74-year-old harpy of the seas pirates thousands of dollars in day-stall fees from Pike Place Market traders; sentenced to do penance in market stockade, where merchants will fling fish at her. |
| PETER BUCK | SETH WARSHAVSKY |
| Brought to trial on charges of in-flight misconduct—overturning a breakfast cart, shoving compact discs into a hostess trolley, and throwing yogurt—guitarist Peter Buck successfully invokes the clown defense: “I’m not high, I’m an entertainer.” | Continuing to out-sail creditors and the law, the foul-mouthed cyberporn captain flees to safe harbor in Thailand, where more fair maidens will be lured into his nefarious schemes. |
| JOHN MARSHALL | RICHARD HEDREEN |
| While his own tent sinks rapidly, inexorably around him, doddering, bulbous-nosed P-I lifer takes pratfall while attempting to prove himself a Cap Hill cool cat. | Corsair of the downtown business community attempts to loot low-income-housing fund for luxury crow’s nest. |
| WAYNE CODY | DALE CHIHULY |
| R.I.P. Jolly, child-friendly entertainer now eating circus peanuts in heaven. | Arrrrr! Scurvy brigand of Tacoma pillages municipal coffers for his highway-spanning, laughably impractical, tourist-trapping monument to self. Arrrrr! |
| GERTRUDE | KNUTE “SKIP” BERGER |
| Clown. | Fierce, imposingly bearded public radio commentator assaults NPR audience with salty language and ribald political opinions. |
