Chaka Kwan—drag-queen sex goddess, fair flower from the East—is late to everything. The photographer and I have been standing in this mall since 6:30 p.m. Earlier in the week, Chaka stood us up entirely. Didn’t call, didn’t bother.

But here she is now, 45 minutes late, talking herself into a frenzy about the parking situation, looking well worth the wait. She’s in a blue collared shirt with a men’s tie at the throat, a pinstriped corset from her chest to her waist, matching pinstriped pants to the floor, and a vintage hat that, tilted, hides half her face. She kicks up a foot. “Three-inch heels,” she says. “I usually do 4 and up. With heels, it’s all about 4 inches and up.”

I don’t get to ask about the boobs until she starts putting on clothes. First stop, Benetton, where not five minutes into it the salesgirl leans into Chaka’s changing room and says, “Oh, my god, your boobs! They look so good.”

Chaka comes out grinning, in a tan suede jacket with a fur collar. “It’s so Pocahontas,” Chaka says. “That’s what I like about it.” She runs her fingers through the fur collar. “Fur is good. Well, it’s faux fur—that’s the best part. Because it’s all about the fur collar this year.”

But it’s not, it seems, quite flattering enough. “Tiny is good. The more skin, the better. This . . .”—we follow her pointed finger to a backless red angora knit halter top across the room—”this is fabulous. Does it come in extra small?” She finds one on the rack. “I’m going to put this on—or attempt to.” It will require, she explains, a backless bra. She slips out of sight and a woman toward the back of the store grips her husband’s arm and grimaces. They don’t stay long.

Chaka re-emerges, her body barely concealed by the few stitches of red yarn. “It’s so wintry and still so scandalous,” she says, touching her boobs. “That’s why I like it. So ski bunny-esque.” She checks the tag. “And at $34, it’s a steal.”

We’re all mesmerized watching Chaka touch herself. Finally, I just come out with it. “What are they made of anyway?” I ask.

“Silicone,” Chaka says. “Upgraded from socks. 34-B.”

“Have you tried the new Victoria’s Secret Sexy Bra?” one of the salesgirls asks. “It really helps.”

“I never have a problem with my puppies, actually,” Chaka says, looking down at her chest.

Next stop is Bebe, since that’s mostly what Chaka’s already wearing. What she favors here is a scarf made of fuzzy black and brown fur balls on a string. Also on her wish list: a bungee-cord drawstring full-length skirt. Looks like a recycled parachute. “Most drag queens don’t do anything other than glam wear. This is different— Raveresque.”

“Hey, Chaka,” someone says at Club Monaco. The salesguy, a few steps away, is making eyes at her. (“From the clubs,” Chaka explains.) They share a moment. Chaka finds a black boat-necked top with three-quarter-length vented sleeves. Classy and sassy, that’s her description.

At Brookstone, toy emporium for trannies if I’ve ever seen one, Chaka drools over a thin-profile CD system: fits on a bookshelf, hangs on a wall. “It’s compact and cute,” she says, “like me.” The conversation turns to music: “I have the Christina Aguilera Christmas CD.” Thoughts on the new Streisand holiday album: “Unlike every other gay boy, I’m not a fan. Don’t like her music, first of all. She’s too confident. She’s money hungry. Janet’s humble.” (Jackson, that is.)

“Just in general, for holiday housewares,” Chaka says like she’s in a commercial, “Pottery Barn is my store.” She cuddles up to a blanket and begins purring. “So soft. Feel this. Hella soft. Faux fur with velour backing. So you can snuggle and all that good stuff.” She stops as a thought flashes through her brain. “You don’t want to get it messy.”

Downstairs is an array of reindeer merchandise. We find a Vixen frosted-glass ornament. Each reindeer has its own box. Vixen’s in vogue, hands on hips, bootylicious bod in full view—except that it’s draped, scandalously so, with a bright-pink, disco-chic fluffy feather boa. So Vixen is a drag queen, too. Who knew?

cfrizzelle@seattleweekly.com

Get It?

Tan SUEDE JACKET with fur collar, $278. Benetton, Pacific Place, 340-1206.

Red angora knit backless HALTER TOP, $34. Benetton, Pacific Place, 340-1206.

Black and brown FUR BALL SCARF, $39. Bebe, Pacific Place, 442-9410.

Bungee-cord drawstring FULL-LENGTH SKIRT, $79. Bebe, Pacific Place, 442-9410.

Black BOAT-NECKED TOP with three-quarter-length sleeves, $59. Club Monaco, Pacific Place, 264-8001.

Thin-profile CD SYSTEM, $99. Brookstone, Pacific Place, 340-4100.

BLANKET, $141. Pottery Barn, Pacific Place, 621-0276.

VIXEN ORNAMENT, $10.99. Pottery Barn, Pacific Place, 621-0276.