Color me cautious, but if I woke up one morning and discovered a dick where my clit used to be, I wouldn’t be writing to some goofball dating columnist about it—I’d be planted in my doctor’s office demanding answers, pharmaceuticals, and possibly surgery. I assume my readers possess the same common sense. A couple weeks ago I answered a letter from a woman who had just found out that her husband was cheating on her; the gist was that she was losing her sense of herself as a sexual creature. She illustrated this by saying that she felt like she was growing a penis. I thought she was being metaphorical, but several more literal-minded readers took me to task for my irresponsible advice. On the off chance that this chick was being literal, here are two of these letters.

Dear Dategirl,

Perhaps you are not very informed yourself about the care and feeding of the female sexual parts. Ms. Dick or Dock might be having a major hormonal crisis. Yes, women of a certain age can have a drop in “female” hormones; that is common knowledge. It will cause changes in her “pootie.”

It might also be that she is experiencing an increase in androgens, which causes increased sex drive, an enlarged clitoris, and atrophy of the vagina. It can be caused by ovarian cancer or a pituitary condition as well, both of which can be life threatening! Get some serious medical review or a good legal advisor who knows medicine to review your columns, deary. This is something she needs to first address with an MD, then a couples counselor. Make sure she gets this information. It matters!

Been There

Dear Dategirl,

Maybe I’m taking this all too seriously, but I was quite concerned about Dick or Dock’s report of growing a “cock.” I didn’t see anything metaphorical in her letter, and the fact is, abnormal enlargement of the clitoris is a symptom of a very serious hormonal imbalance that can stem from unpleasant things like tumors. If the woman was indeed describing a real problem, then her letter to you was perhaps the only forum in which she felt comfortable asking for help, and she needs to be told to go see a good OB/GYN immediately. As you pointed out so astutely in your response, she’s obviously in denial about her marriage. She may also be in denial about symptoms of a life-threatening illness.

A Concerned Reader

Being a benevolent soul, I am prepared to ignore the fact that Been There referred to me as “deary” and insulted my knowledge of female genitalia. Vaginal atrophy is no laughing matter, and apparently this broad knows about it firsthand, so she deserves all the breaks I can muster. To avoid this kind of confusion in the future, I’m going to tell you what kind of problems I am suited to solve, along with those that I am utterly incapable of answering.

1. Oozing sores, sebaceous cysts, shooting pains, or any kind of problem with your bowels: Please don’t tell me about it. I have absolutely no medical background and am frankly far too lazy to run around interviewing doctors because you’re too cheap to pay for an office visit.

2. Your girlfriend’s nailing your best friend and you want to make them pay—I’m your girl. Revenge is one of my specialties.

3. Johnny Depp and Billy Crudup are vying for your affections. You don’t know which one to choose—they both have their good points, but you’re thinking that maybe it would be good to be on your own for a while. Write in with a question like this and I will hunt you down and kill you like the wretched, undeserving slag you are.

4. You and your significant other are blissfully in love, have an utterly egalitarian relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and understanding, and wish to share your joy with the rest of us—don’t fucking bother. You make me sick and I don’t want to hear about it.

5. Your dad is dating someone you went to high school with and you want to know just how pleasant you are required to be at family gatherings? I feel your pain. I’m there. I have tips and pointers aplenty. Here’s one for free—take her aside and ask her if daddy still whimpers when he comes.

Approved topics only! dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle WA 98104.