In college, a boyfriend broke up with me right before my birthday, which was also right before final exams. Fuken-eh! I wanted to bash his head for not sticking it out just a little longer. Think about that in the next couple of days, because for some people, February 14 is just like their birthday. They expect gifts, they expect to be taken out to dinner, and they expect to get shaggy on their smart new sheets, bought at 50 percent off after Christmas. Sure, it’s just sentimental BS for a Julia Roberts movie, but that’s what holidays like this are for. So have a heart, get googly for a few days, and then when things settle back into the usual doldrums, dump ’em. Your ex-to-be will let you off easy—he or she will coin some new term comparing you to feces, burn all the love-stained clothing you thought you’d lost, and tell you that—surprise!–the sex was no good anyway. Now, this is ending things neatly. Wouldn’t POTUS like to be so lucky?

—Cherry Wong

Sex columnist Cherry Wong can be reached at cherry@seattleweekly.com