Causeway and effect

WHAT’S UP WITH THE VIADUCT? One day it’s open for traffic, the next day it’s closed for mysterious emergency inspection or repairs. Ever since the earthquake, we’ve been wondering exactly what seemingly arbitrary criteria state engineers use in wreaking havoc with our lives and commute. Thanks to a recently obtained copy of the DOT’s official viaduct inspection form, now we know.

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IF YOU SEE . . .	THEN . . .
Inch-wide cracks	Krazy Glue. Keep traffic moving.
Loose change on roadway	Stop traffic! We need the revenues.
Foot-wide cracks	Two words: duct tape. No need to alarm motorists.
Baby ducks attempting to cross viaduct lanes	Close all lanes of traffic; do not rush ducks.
Toaster-sized chunks falling from structure	Deploy orange traffic cones to keep people away from parked cars below.
Unusually beautiful sunset	Take time to appreciate Nature’s glory by stopping traffic until dusk.
Strange creaking sound	Issue earplugs at all on-ramps.
Really hot babe stepping out of shower in fourth-floor Pioneer Square loft	Halt traffic; send DOT crews immediately to scene of disturbance.
Uncontrollable shimmying and swaying	Blame problem on damage caused by Eugene anarchists during WTO riots.
Blue Angels practicing overhead before Seafair	Stop traffic; sell popcorn and soda to captive audience.
Seneca Street off-ramp now leads directly to Western Avenue, not First	What’s the problem with that? Get some coffee.
Car with license plate reading “BOMB”	Don’t take any chances: Halt all traffic.
Settling of northbound level restricts lower southbound lanes to midgets driving convertibles	Expand DOT EEOC programs; purchase fleet of Miatas.
Mayor Schell reporting tourist complaints about waterfront noise	Shut down the viaduct immediately!