Booze-Free Boning

Booze-Free Boning

Dear Dategirl,

After spending most of my teens and 20s fucking around in a drunken haze, I finally pulled myself together, got sober, and found a nice place to live. I have a career-track job for the first time ever! My skin looks amazing. I no longer wake up looking puffy and defeated, I have tons of energy, and work out almost every day. I can see my abs!

I’m very lucky because my “bottom” wasn’t anything dramatic. I’m healthy and never killed anyone driving drunk. Incredibly, I got through my promiscuous stage with no STDs or unplanned pregnancies. I thank God every day for this gift of sobriety. I have all these amazing things happening, but I’m completely terrified at the idea of dating. More specifically, the idea of having sex completely sober. I’m 28, and I’ve never had sex when I haven’t been wasted. Just writing that makes me feel like such a loser. I’ve had “relationships,” but they were always with men even more fucked up than I was. How does anyone do this?

—Sober and Celibate

I’ve had drunk sex and I’ve had the sober variety, and believe me, sober sex is far better. For one thing, if you’re banging a dude who’s also drunk, if he’s actually able to get it up, it usually takes him forever to come. Meanwhile, you’re stuck with this half-flaccid member chafing your lady bits. Fun. And I don’t know about you, but for this lady, drunk orgasms are as rare as winged unicorns or ugly kittens. And while sex sans orgasms is fine, it’s certainly not why we’ve invested in spendy undergear.

To get an expert’s take, I posed your question to Anna David, author of the novel Party Girl and executive editor at the recovery-oriented website The Fix. “Before I got sober, nearly all the sex I’d had—excluding, say, morning sex—had been when I was somewhere between buzzed and wasted,” she explains. “Sure, initiating sex was easier because my inhibitions were down, but those absent inhibitions also caused me to do all sorts of things I never would have in the sober light of day.”

We didn’t even get into the risk factors of drunk sex: beer-goggle partners (coyote arm!), the ripped condom nobody notices until too late, and the increased likelihood that you’ll put yourself in sketchy situations. I’ve certainly had my share of drunken misadventures—like the support-hose-wearing, donkey-dicked, bisexual revenge lay. Or the shut-up fuck. If I’d been sober, would I ever have had sex with someone just to make him stop talking? Um, no. Would I have believed that screwing the roommate of the guy who dumped me was a clever revenge tactic? Well, that I might’ve believed sober, but I’m not very bright.

Anna, who’s been clean for many years now, says, “There’s nothing terrifying about sex—it’s one of the most natural things in the world—once you can get out of your head about it. And, no matter what anyone else says, just getting inebriated doesn’t mean you’re out of your head about the sex. I’ve only been able to get in the moment and actually enjoy the sex in sobriety.”

So congrats on getting your shit straight, young lady. Now get out there and make some sweet, sober love.

Talk to us

Please share your story tips by emailing

More in News & Comment

Courtesy of the Washington State Department of Health
Inslee sets June 30 target for Washington to fully reopen

Meanwhile, fully vaccinated people can stop wearing masks in most places, the federal CDC said.

Puget Sound renters will need housing assistance
Puget Sound renters will need housing assistance

Nonprofits, activists are expecting greater need as workers are laid off.

Matt Marshall, leader of the Washington Three Percenters gun rights group, addresses a crowd rallying for Second Amendment rights Jan. 17, 2020, at the state Capitol in Olympia. File photo
Open-carry of weapons now illegal at state Capitol, rallies

A new law bars people from carrying guns within 250 feet of a permitted demonstration.

As rates of stoned drivers increase, law enforcement face challenges

WSP trooper said a THC breathalyzer would be a “game changer” for law enforcement and courts.

E. coli. Photo courtesy of the Food and Drug Administration
Seven King County children sickened with E. coli

Seven children in King County have been infected with E. coli, a… Continue reading

Sound Publishing file photo
Remi Frederick, a Village Green employee, receives her first dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine on Jan. 26 in Federal Way.
County health officer looks to community immunity instead of herd immunity

Herd immunity may be unlikely to reach King County anytime soon, but… Continue reading

Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan. File photo
Auburn man charged with threatening to kill Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan

Seattle Police say an Auburn man left a death threat on Seattle… Continue reading

Courtesy photo
Police search for suspect in fatal shooting of 8-year-old Federal Way girl

The girl’s father was initially arrested by police, but further investigation has revealed a new suspect.

Governor Jay Inslee. Sound Publishing file photo
New laws will tax the rich, offer aid to low-income workers

Inslee signs bill creating capital gains tax; foes are challenging it in court as unconstitutional.

Most Read