BEST PLACE TO STAGE MURDER BY DEFENESTRATIONIt’s a gruesome kind of killing, unless it’s done gloriously, with style—for example, if a loathsome telephone services telemarketer were suddenly thrust through the top western-facing window of the downtown Qwest building (1600 Seventh). The victim would ride the light down 33 stories gracefully, arms out, chin up, in a daring swan dive. In rapid descent, he would reach terminal velocity shortly before crashing through the clear glass ceiling of Pacific Place. Smartly dressed shoppers at Cartier and L’Occitane would glance up at the confetti of showering glass and refracted light and, removing their sunglasses, exclaim, “What ambiance!” In their gaze, the victim would fall fashionably for another four stories and land in a neat pile on the beige tiles outside BCBG and Coach, not far from a paint-splattered pig and a crowd of chatty cafe patrons lunching on mayo-heavy panini.BEST PLACE TO SERVE AS A REMINDER THAT SPEEDOS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONESure, we understand that when the sun deigns to make an appearance for a few weeks every summer people get excited and behave irrationally. And we certainly wouldn’t begrudge any pasty citizens the chance to brown a little. But, honey, just because something fits over your ham (barely), that doesn’t mean you have to wear it. A quick scan of Madison Beach on a busy summer afternoon should be enough to convince any conscious human that Speedos are not intended to be worn by almost anyone outside of Greg Louganis in his glory days. The shore is teeming with the most unwise of unwise fashion choices, the clingy swimwear suffocating scrawny keisters and family jewels that should never see the light of day. If seeing the local equivalent of Niles Crane from Frasier strutting his skimpy stuff doesn’t keep you out of that suit, nothing will.BEST PLACE TO PRETEND YOU’RE NOT FROM HERESometimes this town feels pretty damn small—too damn small. Sometimes you want to seek refuge from the Cheers-like hangouts and your family backyard and become something else entirely: a visitor. And while certain parts of downtown reek of generic gentrification to the point where you don’t know if you’re in Seattle or Denver or Orlando, there’s always one place that makes you feel, at the very least, like you’re an outta-towner: the lobby of the Four Seasons Olympic Hotel (411 University, 621-1700). This stalwart structure, bedecked in Oriental carpets and chandeliers (not to mention the occasional palm tree around the corner) and adorned on the outside with fountains, flowers, and well-appointed doormen and bellhops, is the farthest thing from what you experience every day. Face it, this is the last place your people will come looking for you. And as you inhale the cigar fumes coming from a cluster of Middle Eastern businessmen or a perfume cloud from a nearby French coterie, you’ll look every bit the outsider. Sit back in a stuffed velveteen chair, order a drink at the nearest of several bars, and watch people check their Louis Vuitton luggage into lavish suites. Don’t worry; even if you look like a Seattleite, nobody inside this temple to deluxe tourism will ever suspect you’re a native lying low.BEST PLACE TO SNEAK AWAY FROM WORK AND CHECK YOUR EBAY BIDSGot one of those pesky, over-your- shoulder-peeking bosses? Couple that with a penchant for logging onto eBay and bidding on pretty shoes or rare records, and you’re in quite a pickle. But fear not, the Online Coffee Company (1720 E. Olive Way, 328-3731; 1111 First, 381-1911; www.onlinecoffeeco.com) extends its warm, latte-bearing arms to you. A coffee or tea gets you 20 free minutes of Internet play, plenty of time to jump in just before cutthroat Kathy from Akron outbids you. And with two convenient locations, one downtown and one on Capitol Hill, chances are you’ll be able to sneak away in just under the time it’ll take your boss to notice that you’re gone. The Online Coffee Co. does perfectly what plenty of other places have merely tried to do: They make excellent Caff頖ita coffee, and they serve it up with style, smiles, and plenty of well-maintained PCs.BEST PLACE TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT HOMELESSNESSOver the last 14 months, the folks at SHARE/WHEEL have held together an unconventional and extraordinary effort: Tent City. It’s a self-managed encampment that provides shelter for around 100 people who would otherwise be living on the streets. But because city government forbids encampments—despite its inability to fund the shelter needs of Seattle’s population adequately—Tent City can’t stay in any one place for too long. This transient community has had to move 18 times, relying on various churches and property owners for use of their land. This, of course, is ridiculous. But so far, it’s working—and since you’re always mewling about how bad homelessness is anyway, why not go on and do something about it? This strange wandering carnival could use your help: Send money, volunteer your time, or get your church, synagogue, or mosque to offer shelter to this fine project. Contact them by calling 448-7889 or by writing SHARE/WHEEL, P.O. Box 2548, Seattle, WA 98111.BEST PLACE TO RAVEWho would have thought the corporatized Stadium Exhibition Center (1000 Occidental S., 381-7500), run by a Paul Allen firm, would be a prime place to party? The region’s top rave promoter, that’s who. The United State of Consciousness packed 10,000 people into the Exhibition Center earlier this year for its fest of techno music and extreme sports. Think about it: How many other places in this city are big enough to contain specially constructed skateboarding and BMX bike-riding courses, not to mention thousands of energetic dancers? And there’s another nifty feature to the Exhibition Center. As a taxpayer- supported facility, it’s exempt from the city’s Teen Dance Ordinance, which effectively prohibits all-age events. That makes for some, ahem, ecstatic teens.BEST SEMI-CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENTThe Gray Bar Hotel: A room, a bed, meals, air conditioning, and it’s free— other than paying your debt to society. The King County Jail (500 Fifth, 296-1234) is two jails, the aging downtown high-rise facility within view of City Hall (as a reminder to pols with slush funds) and the modern, cluster-style jail at the Regional Justice Center in Kent (county exec Ron Sims says it’s escape-proof, if you don’t count that one escape). You meet a better class of felons at the Kent facility, but inmates say downtown is more fun. You’ve got the gangbangers and mass murderers you just don’t get in Kent. And the holding-cell race riots just can’t be compared. Besides, with so many felons coming out of Seattle, going to Kent is like heading off to a rival college. Still, Kent has an ambiance Seattle lacks. Guns are not needed. Inmates for the most part remain civil. And there’s always a hoop court nearby. Each pod contains individual rooms, not cells, whose doors can be opened and closed by one guard at a central electronic command post. Shame is one of the new penal tools. What self-respecting criminal wants to be told, “Go to your room!”?BEST SETTING TO TEACH KIDS ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEESSome parents hem and haw, while others just shove forward a copy of Where Did I Come From? or Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret and run, but truly hip grown-ups can teach their kids the facts of life with one quick trip down Aurora Avenue. The pride of North Seattle is a teeming bio-dome of socio-sexual truths and a good lesson in economics to boot. Where can you get oral pleasures for the price of a Banana Republic pocket T? Aurora! Where do they rent hotels by the hour, even if the actual deed is done in four and a half minutes? That’s right, Aurora! Where do men and women work hard to keep our economy going by selling the goods that god gave them? You get the idea; without unnecessary hearts and flowers, your beloved offspring can learn more in one afternoon than all the books in the world can teach them (except maybe the Kama Sutra), and it won’t cost you a penny—unless you stop for a demonstration.BEST PLACE TO BE INAh, Belltown. We’ve all been bludgeoned not only by its actual gentrification but by far too much heartfelt, first-person reportage thereon. What, friends, is the solution? Show your old-school spirit by going and tying one on good at the Rendezvous, the only place left in the neighborhood where you’re pretty much guaranteed a fistfight, whores, and some drug dealing on a nightly basis. Where else can you achieve a genuine feeling of fear? Where else can you really slum anymore? Get your yuppie ass down to Belltown, and when you’re done drinking, retire to the gutter in front of the Rendezvous (located right by the curb at 2320 Second), where the real action is happening.BEST PLACE TO MAKE A PUBLIC EXHIBITION OF YOURSELFPeople with a rooted need for public humiliation no longer need burden their friends and loved ones by getting drunk and acting up at parties. For a minimal investment of money and time, such people can make fools of themselves in front of perfect strangers who know perfectly well what a grueling experience they’re likely to be in for—and they’ll even pay for the right to be grueled. We speak, of course, of the Seattle Fringe Festival, where the efforts of a few dedicated and talented performers give cover if not credibility to a collective display of self-indulgent incompetence unexampled since the heyday of The Gong Show. The Fringe Festival’s importance as a safety valve for antisocial behavior is impossible to quantify but surely considerable. Perhaps the authorities should consider underwriting a year-round version— not from the meager resources allotted to arts programs, of course, but from funds already expended in the cause of public health.BEST PLACE TO PREPARE TO SHIP YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER OUTWhere to take your pesky partner when everything’s right weatherwise and everything’s wrong relationshipwise? Lake Union, of course. The Northwest Outdoor Center, Inc. (2100 Westlake N., 281-9694), will provide the kayaks. A two- to three-person vessel only costs $15/hour, but considering the task at hand, you should probably rent two single-person boats, at $10/hour. As you glide across the lake’s chilly surface surrounded by the urban hot spots you’ll frequent in your soon-to-be-single life—downtown, Capitol Hill, Queen Anne, Gas Works Park—you can ponder your two options: (1) Deliver your spiel—”This isn’t going to work,” “Our issues aren’t going away,” “Let’s just be friends,” then row like hell. Or (2) Fire the previously concealed pistol, swing the paddle at his/her head, or, if he/she can’t swim, rock that boat! Keep in mind that bodies float, and if you need more time for plotting, go on a weekday: The third hour’s free.BEST PLACE FOR A MIDAFTERNOON RENDEZVOUS WITH SOMEONE WHO’S NOT YOUR SPOUSEMind you, we’re not speaking from experience here. We would never, ever covet our neighbor’s/co-worker’s/best friend’s wife/husband/partner/personal trainer for ourselves, let alone drop some quarters in a waterfront parking meter for a few sweet stolen minutes together at lunchtime. However, for those who do, the parking lot at Myrtle Edwards Park is a clear favorite. As the power walkers and office joggers troop past, sheepish, clandestine-looking couples can be seen in the front seats of a long line of cars, staring out into the Sound together, wondering how long this can go on, kissing and whispering and sometimes lying with the bucket seats all the way back, telling each other, “We must stop. . . . We can’t stop.” Or so we’re told.BEST PLACE TO OFF A CANADA GOOSEOK, first of all, you understand that the Canada goose is a protected species. It is, technically, a migratory bird—though these days it can hardly be roused to migrate its lazy (and prolific!) ass from the soccer field to the lane divider. So while you may have heard that Canada geese are being rounded up and killed around here, understand that this can only be done by a licensed professional under the auspices and oversight of the U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife. That said, should you feel like taking matters into your own hands, we suggest the following locations: anyplace you see one—including beaches, parks, front lawns, reservoirs, traffic circles, highway rest stops, children’s playgrounds, company barbecues, historical monuments, corporate “campuses,” boat launches, parking lots, pedestrian overpasses, museum grounds, and golfing greens.BEST PLACE TO LAZE AWAY A WORKDAY AFTERNOONWho says there’s no park in downtown Seattle? Hike over to the Federal Courthouse (1010 Fifth, 553-5598) and you can spread out your picnic on a delightful uncrowded expanse of grass and trees. The feds occupy the entire block bound by Fifth and Sixth, Spring and Madison. But the stately old courthouse itself takes up only half that property. The rest is given over to a broad staircase entrance and the green, sun-drenched, beautifully maintained grounds. It’s clean, quiet, and sure beats the hell out of Westlake. The convenient midtown location makes it the perfect place for blowing off an entire workday afternoon, while still allowing you to dash back for a little late-day cube time. Enjoy the place while you can, however: Demolition of the old downtown library across the street—followed by construction of a new one—will soon destroy the tranquility of this place.BEST PLACE TO ENTERTAIN HOMICIDAL FANTASIESDoes it get any better than shooting people? No. And can we all agree that some people are long overdue for a couple quick bullets to the head? Yes. So, what . . . 9mm? .22, semiautomatic? A Magnum, nice and noisy? Take your pick. At the Bellevue Indoor Range (13570 Bel-Red Rd., Bellevue, 425-649-5995), gun rental is free with membership, from the classic .38 special to the more futuristic Glock-17. And while they won’t actually let you shoot people on the premises (not while they’re watching, anyway), it’s a great place to get a little practice for bringing down you-know-who over in HR. And just in case you’re feeling antisocial or self-conscious about your new hobby, take comfort: This is where the official Microsoft Gun Club practices. (With a snappy, professional MS logo, and a motto that’s bound to inspire more shootings: “The ultimate in object linking and embedding.”) Watch for the clinics on tracking project managers by spoor.BEST PLACE TO HEADBANG WITH YOUR KIDSWe’ve heard it all: The Experience Music Project is ugly, it’s commercial, it’s too expensive, it’s a tourist trap . . . blah, blah, blah. People, EMP is a helluva good time if you can get over yourself. In short, it’s a great place to take your kids and enjoy rock ‘n’ roll. It fits perfectly with the cheesy glitz that is Seattle Center. It’s chock full of fun gizmos and gadgets. There are cool videos, the restaurant is a blast, and not only does the Liquid Lounge feature bands up close in your lap, it’s also smoke free! But the greatest feature of all is EMP’s concert hall: the Sky Church (EMP, 325 Fifth N., 770-2700, www.emplive.com). There are fantastic shows under this cathedral ceiling, with a feast of acoustically fantastic speakers. Plus, the venue is clean, well run, and it’s crawling with security. Forget the Fun Forest. What better family outing is there?BEST PLACE TO DUMP ASHESThe new HBO series Six Feet Under has ripped the lid off, so to speak, the mortuary business. The callous, cavalier way in which the bodies are “prepared” for viewing should make plenty of viewers think twice about the open- casket idea and cause a jump in cremations. But as regular watchers can attest, in the hands of a crafty salesperson, that can be just one more opportunity for markup unless you take matters into your own hands. Of course, we recommend a professional for the actual ashes-to-ashes procedure, but for dispersal, if you’re not a boat owner, you can’t find a better deal than the lovely Elliott Bay water taxi (runs between Seacrest Park and Pier 54, $2 each way, call 553-3000 for schedule). The eight-minute ride whisks you right across the bay and the tiny open back provides an ideal vantage point from which to launch the people powder. Your loved one will float forever surrounded by the cityscape, Mount Rainier, and some soon-to-be-satisfied fishies.