BEST COVER-UPEarlier this month, when Mayor Schell was beaten worse than a

Published 7:00 am Monday, October 9, 2006

BEST COVER-UPEarlier this month, when Mayor Schell was beaten worse than a WTO protester, we reserved our sympathies: The sucker punch was collectively sent. It was already clear that our mayor doesn’t handle trauma very well; neither, apparently, does his face. According to pictures taken the day after the incident, the jab left a wicked scar—but nothing that a crash course in cosmetology couldn’t clean up. Jennifer, who works in cosmetics atBarneys New York (1420 Fifth, 622-6300), thinks the mayor should have gone with a Vincent Longo concealer ($16), which can be properly applied with a Vincent Longo concealer brush ($28). She also had some general tips for Mr. Schell. “A good eye cream is always nice. That would help take down the puffiness and reduce dark circles and fine lines.” Her eye cream of choice is Caudal???($43 for half an ounce). “He’ll need to use it every morning and every night before bed, and it will last about six months”—in other words, about as long as he’s still our mayor.BEST FOUR-LEGGED FALLOUTWhy, it’s summer and there are quadrupeds, cloven-hoofed quadrupeds, everywhere we turn. As much as we support the Pike Place Market and the artists who made Pigs on Parade happen, there’s so much destruction in this fund-raiser’s wake that the money is being tapped for repairs instead of Market Foundation projects. That doesn’t mean we don’t take pleasure in discovering the odd porker here and there, decked out with plastic fruit or wings or a retractable stadium-style roof. What it does mean, though, is that we’ve got a lot of folks who think “Please don’t touch” means “C’mon, rub your hands all over me until you have the urge to yank my dorsal fin off!” Really, people, are we no better than primitive, eyeless beasts ourselves, who have to touch every contour before deciding we like something and need to have it for ourselves? Or are we just a bunch of spontaneous art-lovers with too much tactile sense? (In some places these types are referred to as vandals.) In any case, the pigs are still around, love ’em or leave ’em. Let’s just let them be so they can safely graze these urban fields. Next time: Why pigs? Why not fish? Totem poles? Clams? Just wondering.BEST WAY TO DISTRACT THE POPULACE FROM A SHAMEFUL EVENTSure, there were task forces and hearings aplenty following the Fat Tuesday debacle, and a chorus of outrage to which Mayor Paul Schell and Chief Gil Kerlikowske were forced to respond. As demonstrated by the February 28 earthquake, though, nothing beats a natural disaster when it comes to ducking the most heated hours of public outcry. As widely reported, Schell slept through much of the worst of Tuesday night’s violence, leaving precious few hours for him and his staff to prepare for an 11 a.m. press conference Wednesday morning. The 10:55 a.m. quake was true serendipity. But perhaps the diversion was not great enough to save Schell’s political skin come this fall. The delay in having to face the music for the avoidable crisis, and the appearance of calm and confidence in handling the unavoidable one, however, at the very least have made Hizzoner’s final months in office less contentious than they might have otherwise been.BEST REASON FOR POLITICAL GRIDLOCKDespite the many challenges that face our state, from woefully underfunded schools to completely inadequate public transportation, our state Legislature is reluctant to act. There are many reasons for this, but the biggest is our burgeoning tax revolt. Tim Eyman, the frat boy from Mukilteo, fuels that revolt with his initiatives: First there was I-695, which slashed the car-tab tax, then I-722, which cut property taxes with a complicated formula. Both passed by overwhelming majorities; the courts tossed both as unconstitutional gibberish. But the politicians tremble over ballot-box results like these. Whatever courage exists in our political leaders is crushed by this pocketbook populism. Government responds by becoming paralyzed. This year Eyman is back with another initiative, I-747, which would limit property tax increases to 1 percent a year unless approved by the voters. I-747 will mean that basic government services cannot keep up with inflation except through clumsy elections. Help crush Eyman—contact the No on I-747 committee (282-1990).BEST KISS-OFFNo flowers, no regrets, no emotion. If you want to learn how to say goodbye without love, take a cue from Boeing. Yeah, Seattle gave its heart and soul to the manufacturing giant for the better part of a century. But it’s time to move on, and what better way to drive home the point than to break the news 3,000 miles away? That was the genius behind Boeing’s Washington, D.C., press conference announcing its intention to transfer its corporate headquarters to somewhere, anywhere, but Seattle. Then, flaunting how much it was enjoying its new freedom, Boeing turned its musings over a new locale into a wooing game for revenue-greedy municipalities. Just for fun, Boeing honcho Phil Condit called the lucky winner from his own luxury plane. Face it, Seattle: It’s so over.BEST PERSONALLY TAILORED TRANSPORTATION SYSTEMLet’s get the “mass” out of mass transit! Given budgetary overruns, endless delays, and intractable political debate about the underground versus surface rerouting of light rail in Seattle, it’s time that uncommon sense prevail. A private subway line running from Madison Park to Pacific Place would certainly make our lives easier; so what if the right-of-way condemnation process claims a few orphanages, hospitals, and soup kitchens? Let’s bore an exorbitantly expensive tunnel at massive public expense straight from the foot of Madison directly to Sixth and Pine. We envision a posh train with private cars boasting leather seats, fully stocked bars, big-screen TVs, and helpful, scantily clad attendants to cater to our every wish. Cost is no object! We need to shop, and we need to shop now! Why waste good money on boring commuter lines that allow dull office drones to peck at their keyboards all day long? RTA now stands for Retail Transportation Authority, right?BEST CANDIDATE FOR A FAMILY-FRIENDLY MAKEOVERThe Pioneer Square Events Task Force recently weighed in with some recommendations for how to improve Mardi Gras. Their idea: transform the annual liquor-fueled, riot-prone night of mayhem into a liquor-free, fun-for-the-whole- family event called “February Fest”— complete with cook-offs, log pulls, and sing-alongs. Well, that’s fine for Fat Tuesday. But if we really want to curtail yearly festivals of street violence we’re also going to have to do something about N30, the now apparently annual commemoration of the November 30, 1999, WTO protests. “We’ll be back next year,” was the word from demonstrators this past November, after another large-scale collision with the cops. So the question is, how best to turn N30 into an event that’s suitable for suburban families, not just ne’er-do-well students from local colleges? Start brainstorming now. A task force will be forming soon.BEST REASON TO VOTE LIBERTARIANWhat if they held an election and nobody came? Better yet, what if they didn’t even hold the election? Due to the combined inaction and squabbling of the Democratic and Republican Parties and both houses of the state Legislature, Washington state voters could find themselves without a primary election. Our state’s 65-year-old system, in which the primary ballot includes all candidates, was struck down in court, but legislators couldn’t agree on how to replace it. Our humble suggestions for paring down crowded fields of candidates: a Lotto-style drawing, pick a number between one and 10, a brisk game of musical chairs, pistols at dawn.BEST SPORTS TRENDOK, the fact that the Sonics’ last sea- son somehow ended up in the toilet contributed to this situation, but in the past few months, Seattle has been looking more and more like a women’s basketball town. First, it was the storybook run of the University of Washington through the women’s NCAA tournament. Led by senior Megan Franza, the Huskies crashed the Elite Eight, stopped from a Final Four appearance only by a tough Southwest Missouri State team and the nation’s top scorer, Jackie Stiles. The following month, the much-improved Seattle Storm used the first pick in the WNBA draft to snag Australian super center Lauren Jackson. The biggest challenge to team officials is the WNBA’s summer season—75-degree July days and outdoor Mariners games make Key Arena a tough sell.BEST REMINDER THAT NOTHING LASTS FOREVERFour years ago, we all thought the love affair between Mayor Paul Schell and The Seattle Times would never die. The Seattle daily’s editorial pages thought the developer/port commissioner was the best thing since sliced bread during the 1997 election (the fact that he was paired with Times political punching bag Charlie Chong in the final didn’t hurt, either). Yet, by late summer, the paper’s editorialists were convinced the city needed “a new mayor or a new Schell.” The Times’ brain trust decided on the former option in December, when the mayor had the gall to support striking newspaper workers. A few of the choice words the paper’s editorialists have had for Schell since: “An unusually vulnerable incumbent,” “a tendency to act first and think second,” “Schell really is a wuss.” Sigh. Lovers’ quarrels can be messy.BEST NEW IDEA FOR ENERGY SELF-SUFFICIENCYHey, if it works in Springfield, why not here? We’re thrilled to see that after languishing for decades in mothballs and ill repute, nuclear power plants are on their way back into favor. A consortium of local public utilities, including Seattle City Light, already runs one nuclear power plant near Hanford and is studying the possibility of resurrecting another. “The future is now,” the utility group declares in its most recent annual report. Of course, the Bush administration is on board. After all, everyone knows we’re short on energy. Drought and declining fish stocks have made hydropower less appealing. Oil drilling is great, if you don’t mind destroying the occasional national wildlife refuge. When it comes to scenery, by contrast, a nuclear reactor’s cooling tower is, you must admit, one of the coolest structures out there, at least when it’s not having a meltdown. All of which leads responsible citizens to the inevitable conclusion: Go nukes!BEST TRAFFIC HAZARDSIf it’s possible to design a traffic-flow system that just ebbs, Seattle has done it. Just try to drive from Queen Anne hill to, say, Capitol Hill on a Friday afternoon, say. Better you drive to the airport, fly to Spokane, rent a car, and come at it from the east. The reason for the country’s third-worst gridlock? Too many wheels and not enough pavement. But stoplights are supposed to be synchronized, not paralyzed, and Seattle bridges—thanks to boaters, earthquakes, and diabolical engineering plans—are either raised or closed for repair always at the wrong time (if you’re going to West Seattle or Ballard, swimming may be quicker). Naturally, summer is when most roadwork and closures happen, because the weather’s better and your radiator is more likely to boil over. As you sit and steam, peer over the wheel at the line ahead and ask yourself: Is this Seattle or just a big Diamond Lot with houses? (Polite note to civic leaders: Build that new monorail or die!)BEST LAWSUIT TARGETHmmm, let’s see. Is there by chance any big institution out there that has recently been found liable for illegal activity and that also happens to have about $30 billion in cash on hand? Why yes, it’s Microsoft (One Microsoft Way, Redmond, 425-882-8080). And there are going to be plenty of plaintiffs lining up in the coming months to get a piece of the company’s $30 billion hide. True, an appeals court ruling last month spared the company from any immediate breakup, but the court also determined that Microsoft is indeed a predatory competitor that has illegally exploited its software monopoly to snuff out other companies and protect its dominant position. Now you just have to prove you were harmed by Microsoft’s monopolistic practices in order to get a good shot at some of Microsoft’s massive cash stash. Everyone from Fortune 500 companies to state attorneys general to individual citizens are going to be stepping up to grab what one trial lawyer has called the “low-hanging fruit” at the courthouse. Why not join in the fun?BEST TIME TO TAKE UNISOMYes, we know how the city noises can get to you; all those car horns, the sirens, the pesky riots in the streets. If you’re the mayor, apparently there’s no better time than Mardi Gras to count sheep and drift off to dreamland than while Pioneer Square is torn apart by young hooligans. Paul Schell’s lack of response to Seattle’s Fat Tuesday disaster may have been a long time ago, but it’s not forgotten. Questions about race and poor police responsiveness still linger in the air like smoke from a bomb, and the odor seems to have clung to Schell as well. With this kind of sloppy politicking, lord only knows what will happen on Arbor Day.BEST POLLUTED NEIGHBORHOODSTake your pick! In South Park, the chemical smells from a construction-painting company are sometimes so noxious that local residents wear oxygen masks to mow their lawns. In Georgetown, the historic toxic spills from a longtime chemical storage plant have finally hit the groundwater, migrating toward the already-polluted Duwamish River, causing locals to worry about those funny tasting carrots and that gassy smell in the cellar. According to the state Department of Ecology, almost every neighborhood in Seattle has some toxic-waste cleanup site in its midst. But don’t think factories or mills—think old gas stations, dry cleaners, and marine businesses. As a taxpayer, you own some of the dirtier sites: the Port of Seattle tank farm at Terminal 91 and the King County Metro facility at north Lake Union. That site, by the way, is across from another of your properties, Gas Works Park. This city park is an ongoing chemical cleanup site with a hazard ranking of one, due to its persistent pollution and heavy public use. And those park signs warning “Don’t Eat the Dirt” are good advice in any neighborhood.BEST REASON TO MOVE BACK TO CALIFORNIAUpon moving to Seattle, we realized that unlike, say, North Dakotans, Guatemalans, or Belgians, Washingtonians don’t think the Golden State’s great. No prob: We’re Californians, so we went with the flow, even if we had to follow a few rules: (1) Don’t call minimarts “liquor stores.” (2) Don’t describe Seattle as “the poor man’s version of San Francisco.” (3) Don’t get upset when Seattle’s sorry excuses for Mexican restaurants serve white instead of Spanish rice. And, most importantly, (4) Do. Not. Ever. Complain. About. The. Weather. One through three were manageable, and four, well, we figured four would become easier once we adapted to our grayer, wetter climate—until last month, when we learned that Washington state is No. 4 in highest use of antidepressants, while California is No. 3 in lowest use of antidepressants. Native Seattleites: How could you tease us for weeping uncontrollably every Shroud Day in October, or for booking three flights to L.A. so we’d survive the nine months of cloud cover, or for hanging around tan people because we thought they had “good auras”? Now we know the truth: Seasonal affective disorder is a statewide epidemic, and you’re in denial. Ever seen a therapist?