Best-case scenarios

Season's greetings from the Y2K bunker.

HELLO MUTANTS! Sitting comfortably in my solitary underground millennial shelter, I extend cheerful holiday wishes to those who survived last December’s Y2K meltdown. I can only guess at what’s happened topside during my past 12 months of isolation.

In politics, Slade Gorton must have been reelected—how could anyone raise more money than him? Surely the Monorail Commission is now selecting stations while Sound Transit busily lays track (well under budget, no doubt). If I know anything, it’s that the no-nonsense citizens of Seattle sent Paul Schell packing for his WTO incompetence and that Norm Stamper was duly rewarded for the restraint his department showed.

The main thing I’ve been missing is sports. I’m sure that Paul Westphal finally traded away that fat-ass Baker and that the Sonics are leading the NBA. Up in the Kingdome, the Seahawks are undoubtedly play-off bound—GO HAWKS! With the M’s, thank God that A-Rod would never leave the club; it’s heartening to know he plays purely for the love of the game.

Without a TV, I’m assuming little EliᮠGonzᬥz is safely enrolled in some Miami private school right now. No doubt loveable Rudy won the big bucks on Survivor. And Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? will have run its course, while Britney and Harry Potter are long forgotten.

One thing is certain: I’m rich! By the time I surface, the feds will have split Microsoft into a bunch of Baby Bills, and my stock will be through the roof (unless the banking system collapsed, but with the strength of the euro, that shouldn’t be a problem). The tech boom will also have fattened my dot-com-heavy portfolio, although I do miss shopping on my fave Web sites:,, and (love that funny sock puppet!).

I did hear that the election was in chaos and a guy named Chad had stolen the ballot box. Yeah, right! The Supreme Court would never let that happen. If my instincts are correct, that nitwit George W. probably took so many votes away from McCain’s independent run that our new president is Bill Bradley. Finally Americans are treating our electoral process with the seriousness and attention it deserves.

I am looking forward to catching up on all the past year’s events with fat back issues of the Seattle Times and P-I. How fortunate we are to live in a two-newspaper town where labor and management are so firmly committed to competitive journalism.

The last word goes to the great prophet Nostradamus who said, “The millennium begins in 2001, stupid.” So, to be safe, maybe I’ll stay underground a bit longer. How much could really change in another year?