Being Buttheaded About the Butt Sex

Dear Dategirl ,

How common is anal sex? My boyfriend keeps asking me to do it, but I’m not interested. We tried it once—well, he tried to slip it in the backdoor while we were making love and I was drunk—but even after six vodka sodas it hurt! I made him stop and he did, but since then, he asks me about it at least two or three times a week. He told me that anal sex is completely normal and that all his exes loved it. He keeps assuring me that he’s giving up a world of pleasure by being with someone as uptight as I am.

If he weren’t constantly trying to guilt me into it, I might be tempted to give it another try. How can I get him to back off my butt?

—Virgin Ass

Your boyfriend is an asshole—a gaping, festering, dingleberry-encrusted brown-eye. Not because he’s into the anal, but because trying to “sneak” an unlubricated penis into your rectum while you were wildly intoxicated is wrong on several different levels.

For one: OW!

For two: OW! OW!

I can’t believe guys are still trying that move. It’s not as if a rectum is this wide-open space that you can just toss random things into with nobody being the wiser. It’s tight, which is why men like to put penises in there.

Your question shouldn’t be how many people are doing the act—I’ll spare you the jumping-off-a-bridge cliché—but whether or not you want to engage in it. Unicorn tramp stamps were wildly popular for a while, but it didn’t mean you went out and got one, did it? I hope not.

Buttsexing isn’t for everyone, but even among its fans, unless you’re into pain, most of us need a little bit of preparation beforehand. Lube is mandatory, as is rigorous attention paid to the order of events. Wang in ‘gine before ass = fine. Wang in ass before ‘gine = never. And you never try to slam a six-inch salami up anyone’s poopchute without discussing it first. A girl needs to be relaxed, trusting, lubed up, and—most important of all—expecting the rod in her rear.

But the ins and outs of anal sex aren’t really the concern here. What I’m worried about is why you’re with this whiny manipulator. Assuring you that all his exes loved it (yeah, right) and moaning about how much he’s giving up by being with you? There is a right way to request a sex act and a wrong way. He is doing it wrong.

The right way to request a change in repertoire—especially a potentially painful or dookie-smeared one—is to talk about it outside of the bedroom, preferably while you’re both fully clothed. That way there’s none of the vulnerability that can come with being naked. (Or maybe that’s just my uptight ass talking—your call.) You describe what you’re interested in trying, how you think you could make it work for the other person, and answer any and all questions he or she might have about said act. If you don’t have the answers, consult an expert. God knows the interwebs are full of them.

Regardless of what this particular idjit is into in the bedroom, he sounds ripe for the dumping. What woman—or man, for that matter— wants to be compared to those who went before? Way to dry a vagina/wilt a wiener. And guilt-tripping? From your mother, fine. From the person you’re schtupping? No, thanks.

The particularly idiotic thing about your boyfriend wasn’t his request, but how he phrased it. Repeatedly. Because it sounds as though if he’d asked you like a normal person, instead of behaving like a petulant child, you’d be game to go another round.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

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