Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Do I have to buy Real Change?

Nervous Liberal

Dear Nervous,

You may be surprised to hear me say this, but you do not have to buy Real Change. At least not every time. There is a simple point system for determining whether you have to buy it or not. Is the seller an individual of color? A woman? Is she or he accompanied by a pathetic-looking dog? Assign three points for any of these conditions. Is it cold out, or raining? Two points. Are your hands full of groceries? Subtract one point. (But if a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine, or some other shamefully unnecessary item is poking out the top of your grocery bag, add two points.) If you have already bought the current issue, subtract one point. If you haven’t, add three points. If the seller at any point says, “God bless you!” add two points. A total of four points or more means you must buy Real Change. A total of six or more means you have to buy it with a five and tell the seller to keep the change.

If you have performed the calculation of points honestly, and have been cleared to not buy Real Change, there are correct and incorrect ways to say no. You may not ignore the seller or stare straight ahead while shaking your head. You must look the seller in the eye to show that you recognize her or his full human dignity and don’t in any way see yourself as better than her or him. You should try to be jaunty and casual. And hearty. Say, “Hey, no thanks, not this time!” Or, “You know, I’ve got that one—great article on [insert comment here to show that you read and respect Real Change as a paper as much as you respect the seller as a person]!”

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Perhaps (I’m not implying, just supposing) you can help me settle an argument concerning coffee stirrers. A friend says I should never use the disposable wooden ones. She argues that trees are being destroyed to create a minor convenience for me. She uses the metal spoons and then places them upside down in the “used” container for washing. I argue that precious water is being wasted to clean those spoons. Another friend uses the wooden stirrers, but then returns them to the same place she got them, risking contamination. We all agree plastic is the worst sort of stirrer, but none of us can agree on these other options, and we would like your opinion. How do you stir your coffee (assuming, of course, that you perhaps use cream or sweetener)?

Soulful Stirrer

Dear Stirrer,

There are a number of non–environmentally impactful methods of causing fair trade coffee to combine with organic soy milk and rough-grain brown sugar.

You can carry your own reusable bamboo swizzle stick. Order one at bambizzler.com. It will arrive in four to six weeks. While waiting for it, avoid situations that may lead to stirring. When you do get your Bambizzler, carry it on your person at all times. Lick it clean after each usage and return it to its carrying case. If you somehow wind up in a coffee shop without a Bambizzler, you should ask yourself if stirring is really necessary. Remind yourself that there are millions of people in the world who must make do every day without stirring.

But if it truly cannot be avoided, there are plenty of other methods you can use without resorting to disposable wooden stirrers or metal spoons. You can, for example, gently toss your coffee in the air and catch it in your cup as it comes down. Some of the coffee might spill on your hand and cause minor burns, but these are not nearly as painful as you might think, especially if you focus on Gaia, our Mother Earth. Try softly chanting, “Gaia, Gaia, Gaia,” while performing the operation. Or you can use your own tongue as a stirring device. This may be somewhat uncomfortable at first, and will make it more of a challenge to invoke Gaia.

Some people around you may find these methods peculiar. They may think there is something wrong with you, such as a head wound or a mental illness. Ignore them. But do this in a polite manner, so as not to flaunt your superior environmental consciousness.

Have a question for the Uptight Seattleite? Send it to uptight@seattleweekly.com.