Dear Uptight Seattleite,

You think the Hawks should be using a nickelback defense or zone?

12th Man

Dear 12th,

I don’t follow sports, sorry. If I’m not a participant, it really doesn’t interest me. Except football. Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to “throw you for a curve” there. By “football” I mean what you most likely refer to as “soccer.” That word is incorrect. But hey, that’s OK! Live and learn. I make my share of mistakes, too. And I try to learn at least one new thing every day. I recommend that, actually. Maybe that’s why I just can’t take an interest in spectator sports. I’ve always had a deep curiosity, just a different way of thinking. Some people have these very conventional lives—about success, money, whatever. Me, I just always wanted something else, something a little more meaningful. I don’t know why. Some people like meaning and some people like sports. To each his or her own.

Anyway, I do like—warning, proper word usage ahead!—football, because people from other countries play it. I’m more of a global citizen. The matches are wonderful opportunities for cultures to come together. Young men travel from one country to another to enjoy a few steins of ale and support their chosen club with their mates. Unlike what you call football, the “beautiful game” promotes tolerance and nonviolence.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Recently, the last few people I’d consider friends in Seattle have morphed from funny, interesting people into REI-swathed vegans who think the sun shines out their own asses. They were normal when they got here, but in a few years, everything changed. I grew up in Virginia, and I’ve never seen anything like it. Were they abducted by some roving reprogramming squad? Am I next?

I Live in Fear

Dear Fear,

Are you open to suggestions? I ask only out of a concern for your mental health. My suggestion is that you reconsider your tone, which frankly strikes me as a little bit hostile. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it myself. It wouldn’t be constructive for me to take it personally. And I’m all for a “spirited discussion” of things that are on people’s minds. It’s just that, for your own sake, it’s not wise to hold on to individual bitterness and thereby cut yourself off from important community values.

What I’m talking about, of course, is your use of the term “reprogramming squad.” That is really over the top. It’s more of a cooperative. And it’s not “reprogramming,” it’s education. Are you against education? Of course not. It’s true that in some cases, a mistaken education has already taken place, so what we do is what you might call a re-education. And the re-educational services provided by The Cooperative are essential for Seattle to maintain its unique character. They include guidance on how to make wise choices in clothing, reading material, and nutrition. And how to follow the correct protocols for socializing, should that for some reason become necessary. We’ll also tell you how to find the acupuncturist who’s right for you, and how to relate to those who have not yet benefited from a visit by The Cooperative (Be nice! Don’t judge!).

“Abduction” is also really a bit harsh. We like to think of it as more of a visit. A friendly little chat, community member to community member. In the back of our specially equipped green biodiesel van. How many chats will be necessary before the desired effect is achieved? It may be several visits or several dozen. It may also be necessary for arrangements to be made for you to forget that the visits happened. But if any of the following things apply to you, it may be a sign that The Cooperative has successfully intervened on your behalf: You find it irritating when people talk to each other on the bus; you avoid the eyes of strangers on the street; you find yourself politely insisting that people remove their shoes when they come into your house; you develop a fondness for whimsical paintings that feature flying cats and umbrellas; when a stranger tries to strike up a conversation, you find yourself thinking, “Are you my e-mail? Are you my Netflix DVD? Then why are you talking to me?”

There are also follow-up treatments via the water supply. It’s all quite natural and inevitable. Nothing to be afraid of. So I would encourage you, anxious Virginian, to simply lie back, relax ,and let Seattle happen to you.

Have a question for the Uptight Seattleite? Send it to uptight@seattleweekly.com.