Yes, I was resistant at first. I initially thought that the Federal Marriage Amendment was an embarrassingly reductive use of the legal process. It seemed like such a denial of the potential for human change, of our capacity to grow beyond the narrow roles and identities that keep us chained to the past. I couldn’t see the purpose of definitively stating, “Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman.” I was mystified by such endeavors back in 1996, when the first Defense of Marriage Act exhaustively demanded that “No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe,” could be made to recognize gay unions. (I didn’t even know that Indian tribes were strongholds of homosexual coupling, though I’ll admit the information has since given me several pleasant mental images.)
The more I think about it, though, the more I realize how much sense it makes to reshape the Constitution to cater to individual needs. Hell, why not slip in a few good ones for bald, gay journalists while we’re at it? After a summer that has so far been filled with several frustrating personal disappointments, I can see how some simple amendments prevent the demolishing of many institutions I hold close to my heart:
The Federal Dinner Amendment: Dinner in the United States shall consist only of the union of meat and two side dishes. “Side dishes” refers only to a baked or mashed potato and some other sort of vegetable that needs only butter to make it taste better. No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to recognize Tofurkey or brussels sprouts.
The Federal Movie Sequel Amendment: A movie sequel in United States shall consist only of the union of the characters from a previous film and something compelling. “Something compelling” shall be defined as engaging human conflict or action scenes achieved through the use of actors and skillful editing and/or camera work (e.g.,The Bourne Supremacy). No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to recognize the CGI boredom of Spider-Man 2 as a proper movie sequel, no matter how many whorish film critics state otherwise.
The Federal Sexual Supremacy Amendment: Sex in the United States shall consist only of the heated, howling union of a bald, gay journalist and Matt Damon in his guise as Jason Bourne. No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall call into question the vivid fantasy life of said bald, gay journalist.
The Federal Elimidate Amendment: Elimidate shall consist only of the televised union of one drunk, large-breasted woman and four drunk, large-chested men who are easily persuaded to remove their bathing trunks when the competition moves to the hot tub. No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to recognize any episode concerning the union of one drunk, large-chested man and four drunk, large-breasted women, which is degrading to drunk, large-breasted women and, frankly, not as compelling to bald, gay journalists.
The Federal Amendment Amendment: A constitutional amendment shall not consist of ridiculous legislation devised by individuals whose comprehension of basic civil liberties is compromised by bigotry, religious extremism, and election-year rhetoric.
