HAM FOR THE HOLIDAYS 5: CINCO DE PORKO
For those who like their holiday entertainment irreverent and pork-related, local theatre dynamos—Dos Fallopians— Lisa Koch and Peggy Platt present “another steamin’ helping of ham” with their sketch-comedy show. The themes to be addressed include pet psychics and airport security. $18/$20. Through Dec. 29. 409 Seventh Ave. S., 206-325-6500. CHINATOWN/INTERNATIONAL DISTRICT
BELLEVUE AGLOW
If free things that glow are near the top of your holiday wish list, then journey to downtown Bellevue to see buildings, plant life, and even construction cranes (!) decked out in seasonal style. Free. Through Dec. 31. Downtown 425-453-1223. BELLEVUE
FIELD OF LIGHTS CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION
“Celebrate the magic of electric imagination” at Safeco Field, where “half a million lights and numerous light exhibits” will make things positively luminescent for you and your darling children. Crafts, music, and sundry “goodies” await you at the home of our perpetually lachrymose baseball team. $5 ($3 for children). 4- 9 p.m. Fri.- Sun., through Dec. 29. 83 King St., 206-346-4000. DOWNTOWN SEATTLE
ISSAQUAH REINDEER FESTIVAL
Once you’ve looked a reindeer in the eye, there’s no turning back. Adopt one at the Issaquah Reindeer Festival, a celebration of all things antlered, shaggy, and enslaved by Santa. $7/$8. Through Dec. 23. Cougar Mountain Zoo, 19525 S.E. 54th St., 425-392-6278. ISSAQUAH
ARGOSY CHRISTMAS SHIP FESTIVAL
True to the first three letters of its name, Seattle is a sea-crazy town, and the Christmas season presents us with a special opportunity to enjoy “the largest holiday flotilla in the world.” $16- 28. Through Dec. 23. Pier 55, Suite 201, 206-623-1445. www.argosycruises.com DOWNTOWN SEATTLE
TWELVE DRINKS OF CHRISTMAS
The true meaning of Christmas: Brandy-soaked chestnuts roasting on an open fire, tipsy strangers nipping at your nose. Enjoy these holiday pleasures and more at this insidious event hosted by the Sorrento Hotel. As the P.R. machine so daintily puts it: “Available daily—all day.” Indeed. Through Dec. 24. 900 Madison St., 206-622-6400. DOWNTOWN SEATTLE
GARDEN D’LIGHTS
The holiday season just doesn’t feel complete without hundreds of thousands of lights, and Bellevue Botanical Garden assures us that this year’s edition of “Garden d’Lights” will be nothing less than a “nationally recognized display of brilliance”—400,000 glowing orbs can’t be wrong. Free. Through Dec. 31. 12001 Main St., 425-451-3755. BELLEVUE
SHERATON SEATTLE GINGERBREAD VILLAGE
Gingerbread villages come and go, but the Sheraton’s annual display puts the rest to shame. A virtual architectural Expo of sweet cookie treats made to look like buildings, this much-celebrated event benefits the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (ironic, no?) and is organized by Sheraton pastry chef Wally Walberg, who wins the 2002 “Marky Mark” Name Alliteration Award. Free (donations accepted). Through Dec. 26. 1400 Sixth Ave., 206-447-5547. DOWNTOWN SEATTLE
THE LIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS
Any event featuring a character called Bruce the Talking Spruce has to be worthwhile. This magical happening includes everything from pony rides to live music and drama, with nearly 1 million Christmas lights (!) spanning five acres of festive holiday turf. Sponsored by Warm Beach Christian Camps. $6- $9. Through Dec. 30. 20800 Marine Drive, 1-800-228-6724. STANWOOD
RENT A TREE
IKEA is becoming an activist force to be reckoned with. The Scandinavian furniture store is once again presenting its “Rent-a-Tree” program, which allows customers to pick out a Douglas fir, put down $19.95, and get $10 of their money back (in the form of an IKEA gift certificate) if they return the tree a week after Christmas. All rental trees will be mulched upon return. Smart business sense and environmental awareness in one tidy package. Through Dec. 20. 600 S.W. 43rd St., 425-656-2980. RENTON
OWEN MEANY’S CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
As one of several holiday shows with the words “Christmas pageant” in the title, this Book-It production, “back by popular demand,” boasts a lofty literary pedigree (courtesy of John Irving, who authored the original novel) and is directed by Jane Jones, whose name could not be more generic. $15- $22. Through Dec. 22. North Seattle Community College, 9600 College Way, 206-325-6500. LICTON SPRINGS
HOLIDAY SHOW AT SEWARD PARK ART STUDIO
Smokin’ hot pottery fresh from the kiln can be yours at this show and sale. This co-op has been around for more than two decades, producing both “functional and sculptural pottery,” and includes more than 25 local ceramic artists—none of whom was involved in that dreadful scene from Ghost. $10. Through Dec. 24. 5900 Lake Washington Blvd. S., 206-722-6342. SEWARD PARK
HOLIDAY ART AND GIFT SHOW
Yet another art show by yet another Cap Hill art gallery is certainly cause for celebration. After all, art makes a lovely gift, and what other gallery can offer you such treasures as “bejeweled bear ornaments” and “snazzy coasters?” Noon- 5 p.m. through Dec. 22. 1216 10th Ave., 206-323-0557. CAPITOL HILL
CANDY CANE LANE
Christmas in Seattle would be infinitely less pleasant without Candy Cane Lane, where the lights will be a-shinin’ and the nonperishable food donations will be aboundin’ until New Year’s Day. What you donate goes directly to Northwest Harvest, a local clearinghouse supporting hunger programs across the state. Free. 4- 10 p.m. through Jan. 1. Park Road N.E., 206-625-0755. UNIVERSITY DISTRICT
THE WHOLE WORLD SINGS OF CHRISTMAS
Except for maybe Israel. This madcap musical happening will feature carols from Spain and Australia as well as other countries where Jesus Christ’s birthday actually matters to the majority of the population. Free (donations accepted). 7:30 p.m. Dec. 13. Haller United Methodist Church, 13055 First Ave. N.E., 206-362-5383. HALLER LAKE
NORTHWEST CHORALE HOLIDAY CONCERTS
You should at least consider attending one of these free concerts, at which donations will be cheerfully accepted and passed on to families in need. You have food, you have shelter—hear some Bach and help someone less comfortably housed and fed. It’s a mitzvah! Free (donations accepted). 7:30 p.m. Dec. 13. 7050 35th Ave. N.E., 206-625-0755. WEDGWOOD. 7:30 p.m. Dec. 14. Spring St. and Seventh Ave., 425-427-5593. DOWNTOWN SEATTLE
BURIEN CHRISTMAS CABARET
“Life is a cabaret, old chum.” These immortal words remind us that no matter what mischief life may toss our way, it is, in the end, nothing but a cabaret. This one features “classic tunes from TV Christmas specials of the past.” $13/$11. Dec. 13- 15. Burien Live Theater, 425 S.W. 144th St., 206-988-3700. BURIEN
THE NUTCRACKER
Not to name any names, but when some of us were young, our father took us to a local production of The Nutcracker and we proceeded to giggle at the tights-wearing male dancers throughout the ballet until our nonplussed pater was forced to extract us forcibly from the theater. See this show if you must, but leave the fidgety half-pints at home. $10/$8. 2 p.m. and 7 p.m. Dec. 14. 25800 164th Ave. S.E., 253-856-5050. KENT
A FEAST OF CAROLS
Handel, Mozart, Mendelssohn, and Vivaldi—everyone loves them, and some of their most moving compositions revolve around holiday themes. The rockin’ tunes of these celebrated masters, as well as a generous helping of traditional carols, will ring out at this spledorific Christmas concert featuring the Seattle Choral Company. $10- $30. 2 p.m. and 8 p.m. Dec. 14. Meany Theater, UW Campus. UNIVERSITY DISTRICT
SANTA BREAKFAST
The Sheraton is hosting His Plumpness this year, and you and your special spawn can be there to witness the grand event—and to eat several slices of garishly indulgent French toast (topped with “whipped cream, M&Ms, and marshmallows”). All proceeds go to fund research at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. $30/$20. Dec. 14- 15 and Dec. 21- 24. 1400 Sixth Ave., 206-667-6264. DOWNTOWN SEATTLE
HOLIDAY CONCERT
Any Rentonite worth his weight in spit knows that the Renton Youth Symphony Orchestra, now in its 17th year of making musically merry, is the orchestra to see when the holiday season comes a-knockin’. Do as the Rentonites do and catch this talented group of young musicians in their natural habitat. $7/$5. 7 p.m. Dec. 15. 1717 Maple Valley Highway, 425-430-6707. RENTON
THE WORLDS OF CHRISTMAS
Sometimes it takes a global village to raise voices in song. The Issaquah Chorale will deliver vocal music goodness from Africa, Europe, Asia, Australia, and the Americas. The Chorale will be accompanied by some serious, no-holds-barred marimba playing. $5- $12. 3 p.m. Dec. 15. Eastlake High School, 400 228th Ave. N.E., 425-226-3530. SAMMAMISH
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Elliott Bay Theatre has whimsically adapted the Capra film as a radio play (“with live sound effects”). For those already uncomfortably familiar with the movie, this event—a benefit for the theatre—should put an interesting spin on a classic holiday tale of redemption. Admission includes dessert, Northwest wines, and oodles of gossipy chatter with (and about) Seattle theatre people. $50. 7 p.m. Dec. 15. 201 Thomas St., 206-362-9360. SEATTLE CENTER
JINGLE BELL BASH
False punk indignation is what Christmas is really all about, and no one embodies it better than vapid pop parakeet Avril Lavigne. Far from the wilds of her native Canada, Lavigne—not a girl, not yet a woman—is taking our nation by storm and spreading holiday cheer along with like-minded luminaries Kylie Minogue and Destiny’s Child. Catch the lot of them at the Tacoma Dome, where the magic of prefab popular music will reach even the nosebleed section. $45/$35. Dec. 21. 2727 East D Street, 253-627-8497. TACOMA
LATIN CUISINE FOR CHRISTMAS
Viene a Bandoleone o Tango para disfrutar de una cena especial de Navidad que representa varios aspectos de la comida latina. Se puede llamar a los dos restaurantes para reservar una mesa, pero en fin hay que eligir uno. Buen provecho! (“Come to Bandoleone or Tango to enjoy a special Christmas dinner representing various aspects of Latin cuisine. You can call both restaurants to reserve a table, but ultimately you’ll have to choose one or the other. Bon appetit!”) 5:30- 9:30 p.m. Dec. 24. Bandoleone, 2241 Eastlake Ave. E., 206-329-7559. EASTLAKE. Tango, 1100 Pike St., 206-583-0382. CAPITOL HILL
