This Week: Kid A to Zzzzz—A Radiohead Reaction-ary

A is for arse, which Kid A is a load of.

B is for B-sides. There aren’t going to be any singles, but the whole album sounds like track three on disc two of the third single.

C is for Capitol Records, who must’ve crapped themselves when they first heard Kid A. The list price, incidentally, for Kid A is $18.99.

D is for difficult. Those who think Kid A is difficult are really rather dim. If anything, it’s deadly dull drivel.

E is for Eno. If people wanted to buy Eno records, they’d buy Eno records. Incidentally, we’d like to copyright our invention of the next hip new genre: Enocore. It’s, like, ambient punk with really, really sensitive lyrics.

F is for fartsy, as in artsy-fartsy. F is also for fans, but since Radiohead doesn’t care about them, why should we?

G is for guitar, as in “Anyone Can Play . . .” Well, somebody had better, because Radiohead sure as fuck doesn’t seem interested in it!

H is for humor and the complete lack thereof. Pretentious is cool. We like pretentious. But pretentious requires a nudge, a crooked Mona Lisa smile, a wink—Thom’s lazy eye ain’t cutting it.

I is for “Idioteque.” That’d be the club where people go to listen to Kid A.

J is, of course, for jazz odyssey. J is also for Jacks, but only when A is for Apple.

K is for kvetching. It seems making Kid A was as hard to make as it is to listen to. Just ask Thom: “I felt like I was going crazy,” he told Q, in an exclusive interview. “Every time I picked up a guitar, I got the horrors.” And when the sad bastard finally took stock of what he—erm, sorry, they—had created? “It made me cry sitting in the back of a car from start to finish,” he said to Spin, in an exclusive interview. Good thing he wasn’t driving!

L is for lemmings. The only thing worse than the legion of rock critics wringing their ink-stained hands over Kid A‘s supposed brilliance is the disturbing number of hacks dishing out mixed, murky three-star judgments when they clearly know the record is pants! On the one hand, people are making a fuss over sounds that they wouldn’t spare a column inch for if it came out under the name “Autechre,” and on the other, because it was decided that Radiohead was Important and Significant last time around, no one can accept the album as the crackpot art project it so obviously is. C’mon, don’t be such wimps—Kid A is either a diamond or a dog turd.

M is for Mark Morris, lead singer of the Bluetones. Even we are still rather shocked, but the fabulous Science and Nature appears to be closing in on 2000’s oh-so-prestigious Culture Bunker Album of the Year (England’s Grammy). Great tunes well-played, sneaky smart lyrics, and a complete and total disregard for popular trends. Top!

N is for #1. #2 more like!

O is for opera. Having exhausted all prog-rock comparisons on OK Computer, the media has been comparing Kid A to The Wall. Erm, The Wall actually has songs and a story, to boot! That fucking Roger Waters is rolling in his grave—we wish!

P is for promotion. Radiohead—by which, we mean Thom—hates promotion. In fact, the anti-pop tones of Kid A were directly inspired by the soul-sucking misery of publicizing OK Computer. Note: Appearing on SNL and playing restrictively small gigs in New York and Los Angeles to elite crowds that include Sean Lennon and Winona Ryder is apparently not promotion.

Q is for quotas. We’re against them.

R is for rock ‘n’ roll. Remember rock ‘n’ roll? We do. Kid A ain’t it. R is also for Richard James, who—while he wouldn’t be caught dead listening to his music—is definitely rock ‘n’ roll.

S is for Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

T is for there, as in “There’s no there there.”

U is for U2—there’s a bunch of geezers who have learned the hard way that successful experimentation still requires songs. They also know that if you absolutely must inflict your self-indulgent claptrap upon the world, it’s best to do it under another name—y’know, like Passengers.

V is for vocals. We actually don’t hate all of Kid A. Just when Thom is singing.

W is for wank. Nuff said.

X is for XFL. Go Hitmen Go!

Y is for Yes. The album art on Kid A reminds us of the embryonic Yes logo Roger Dean did before he perfected his craft.

Z is for Zzzzz, which is what you’ll be doing if you try to listen to Kid A all the way through. We did!