The true American IdolI received a bomb via text message at 7:40 last night from my sister that read: Sorry about Idol. 🙁 The genius had forgotten about the time difference between Seattle and D.C. and assumed I’d already seen the American Idol finale. I had not. I immediately called her demanding to know if her text message really meant what I feared it did. Sensing that I was near hysterics, she cautiously replied, “Oh… well, I wasn’t paying that much attention. Maybe I heard the results wrong.” Of course, she hadn’t. Adam Lambert did indeed lose to Kris Allen last night. And let me tell you, watching the show knowing what was going to happen was the most masochistic activity I’ve ever engaged in. The results of course, have already triggered a frenzied discussion in the media over whether America just wasn’t ready for a gay Idol. The two finalists certainly represented opposite ideologies. Lambert was the gay glam rocker (he’s not officially “out” but c’mon, let’s be real) and Allen was the guitar-strumming boy-next-door. Lambert’s flamboyance–that Freddy Mercury shriek, the guyliner, and black nail polish–turned a lot of people off. For those people, Allen’s humble Midwestern demeanor was a sigh of relief. …And those people can kiss my ass. Because nobody should be able to say with a straight face that Allen deserved to win. I couldn’t even believe it when he made it to the final four, given the number of great songs he’d slaughtered. (Remember that atrocious acoustic cover of The Beatles’ “Come Together?”)

Lambert, on the other hand, did justice to every artist that he covered this season. He did an absolutely haunting cover of Gary Jules’ “Mad World.” He had the balls to sing Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks of My Tears” in front of Smokey Robinson–who adored the rendition. He became the first contestant in the show’s eight-season history to attempt a Led Zeppelin song. And he killed it with “Whole Lotta Love.” Who else could cover Led Zeppelin without looking like an absolute tool? The idiocy of voters was most obvious when Allen and Lambert joined forces to sing “We Are The Champions” alongside Queen. Allen looked like a lost puppy onstage, while Lambert shined like a reincarnated Freddy Mercury. Just moments after the ridiculously one-sided performance, Allen was announced the show’s winner. The visibly stunned singer humbly muttered, “It feels good, man, but Adam deserves this.”Yeah, no shit. There is, of course, one good thing to come out of all this. Lambert will not have to attach his name to the embarrassing song “No Barriers” that’s slated to be the winner’s first single. (Why Kara DioGuardi is so willing to go on record that she co-wrote it is beyond me. It fucking sucks.) This means that Lambert is free to select something that’s you know, actually good, to be his debut single. Because he’s certain to get picked up by a major record label. …Oh, who am I kidding. That can’t console me right now. From the very beginning, I believed that Lambert was going to win this thing. That was the only reason I watched the damn show. I’m absolutely disgusted with the results. Talk about a bunch of fucking bullshit. Let the rioting begin.