The Culture Bunker

We’d like to kick off this week’s Culture Bunker by offering condolences to the friends and family of Scott Smith, the bass player from Loverboy, who recently met a watery doom after sailing his boat into 40-foot waves. Who’d have thought a member of Loverboy would show poor judgment in any area of life?

On a happier Hallmark Card note, we’d like to say Happy Belated Anniversary to Hunter and Stefanie. You two have truly showed the nation what love can be.

Nice to see Jennie Garth working again, although she seems oddly out of place on The $treets of NYC. . . . Is there a more boring TV tag line than “ripped from the headlines?” Other than “created by Dick Wolf,” that is. . . . Every time we turn on Once and Again, we’re confronted with the painful sight of the Freaks and Geeks kid suffering through closing moments of The Geena Davis Show. Come to think of it—he’s really creepy and awkward and barely pubescent—how come he isn’t on Once and Again?

Is there anything we could care less about than the fact that Smashing Pumpkins have broken up? Besides 365 more Pearl Jam albums, we mean. . . . Boy, Axl is really making a statement about how punk rock he’s going to be by doing that first G ‘n’ R show at the House of Blues Las Vegas. Word is the already-booked Goo Goo Dolls were pissy about being forced to open, until they heard Tommy Stinson was in the band.

Moving on to a more literary path, we are looking forward to spending two hours reading Ed McBain and Evan Hunter‘s long awaited novelistic team-up. Wonder how they got along? We hear that McBain can be difficult but that Evan is a pussycat. . . . Speaking of Evans, if you went down to the comic book store and picked up copies of Evan Dorkin‘s World’s Funnest as well as the latest issue of Dork, that would be money well spent. . . . Fascinating to learn that best-selling author Stuart Woods personally answers all his e-mails. Then again, we already know from his books that he types really, really fast. LA Dead is hardly one of his best, even if Stone Barrington does get naked with no less than five women (all of whom are spectacularly beautiful despite the absence of actual physical descriptions other than hair color . . . and great asses . . . oh, yeah, and great racks).

Are you people pumped for the Jets-Eagles Super Bowl or what? . . . On behalf of ‘N SYNC we would like to say to the Backstreet Boys, “Ha-ha!” However, we are a mite concerned about Howie: The new look just doesn’t suit him. Bet his girlfriend is way hot. . . . Robert Downey Jr. is said to be depressed—looked pretty happy in that mug shot, if you ask us. He likes drugs. . . . OK, people, since this election thing is finally settling down, may as well turn off MSNBC and get your ass down to the Sierra Club or local ACLU office. They’re going to need help.

Speaking of Canada, we’re kind of wishing that before we departed British Columbia last July, we’d gotten a better look at Tiffani Amber Thiessen Day, the beaucoup busty 22-year-old daughter-in-law of conservative douchebag Stockwell Day. Oh, all right, “Tiffani Amber” is not her real first names. Actually, the one true Tiffani will be back on network television soon, which we are happy about, though we’re not amused that she dropped the “Amber.” Tiffani Krugman doesn’t slide off the tongue quite as nicely.

Finally, a tip of our hat and ever-lasting sympathy to Julian Lennon, the poor bastard. Fuck Yoko! Hard!

Coming soon to the Culture Bunker: List-O-Mania!