The Culture Bunker

Kids today love E, but not Staind. . . . That Nikka Costa video is a goddamn Crime Against Art. Who gives a rat shit if she’s barely wearing clothes—she barely has a song! And as far as being Sinatra‘s goddaughter is concerned, we’ve got news for you: Frank had more godkids than Screaming Jay Hawkins had real ones. “Mr. Sinatra, will you do me the honor of being godfather to my. . . .” “Yeah, fine, whatever—now shut up and go play your fucking trombone.”

Between the woefully underrated That’s My Bush and the still scarily brilliant South Park, Trey Parker is officially our best political satirist. Hell, we dig Trey (and, to a lesser extent, Matt) so much, we’re going to forgive him for giving our arch nemesis some rub by inviting them onto South Park. Of course, we’re not going to forgive fucking Radiohead. “Not only will our appearance be valuable promotion as we tour America’s performing arts centers, it will demonstrate that we have a sense of humor, and thus we shall sell more records for our corporate masters,” says Thom Yorke in an exclusive CB interview, but we’re psyched to see how the South Park animators do the buggy eye and clubfoot. Thommy!

We hope that no-talent Spielberg was too busy making A.I. to get his clammy little hands on Joe Johnston‘s Jurassic Park III. We hated the first two, but this one’s gonna be good. . . . McDonald’s is now making hollandaise sauce. It may hide the taste of veggies, but it can never mask the stench of corporate evil. . . . F U Louis C.K.!

Pat Monahan isn’t the name of a rock god, it’s the name of the evening drive-time DJ on the local rock station. . . . Is it us, or do those cherry Push Pops look a lot like doggy dicks?

Bob Dylan. Apparently, he’s 60. . . . Speaking of which, Billy Idol looks pretty damn good for a man his age. Do you think he dyes his hair? In other old dude news, Steve Diggle‘s new record is the best Paul Weller album in years. . . . Then again, if you’ve got a hankering for anti-everything young studs who really wanna rock, check out the Music‘s amazing maximum volume space-rock debut single, “Take This Long Road and Walk It,” long sold out (on Fierce Panda, natch) but available over the band’s site in the much-in-vogue format of MP3. They’re 17 years old, and they refuse to play in London. Kewl, as you kids say. . . .

We’d also like to note for the record that U2 have officially joined the ranks of the souled-out corporate cocksuckers. Are they so hungry for a hit that they’ll allow a song, the one the tour is named after no less, to be featured in as soulless a piece of shit as Tomb Raider? There was a time when those holier-than-holy motherfuckers would’ve said, “Ach, no way,” but now they’re all about the bling bling. Oh, and if you’re going to crow about touring without corporate sponsorship, it’s best not to charge your fans $150 for tickets. It kinda defeats the purpose. Hey Bono, just take some money from Jovan and shut the fuck up.

Shane O Mac! Shane O Mac! Shane O Mac!

FYI: Regarding that earlier Jurassic Park III comment, we’re not joking. Fuck that fucking Spielberg. . . . Turns out John Wells is even more stoned than Sorkin! Is there anything more appalling than a writer-turned-producer who goes on to screw other scribes? A-hole! And now that we think about it, Tommy Schlamme can go fuck himself as well!

Remember: The Music is kewl, Muse is krap.

And what the fuck is Bono doing, giving hipster cred to pricks like Jesse Helms and Rick Santorum? The Great Man might want to reconsider these new pals of his, seeing how those guys are a couple of big pieces of right-wing shit! If Bono really want to make a dent in the world debt, perhaps he should cough up his quarter of the $70 million already generated by the Elevation (as featured in the film Tomb Raider) Tour.

Bridget Fonda‘s career is in the dumper despite the fact that she’s never won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. . . . Trivia Corner: How many times has Robert DeNiro played a crook doing one last job? . . . Saliva is one of those band names where you can’t believe nobody’s used it, and then you realize there’s a good reason. . . . Special thanks for this week’s column must go out to the great Don Costa, our musical director for the past 28 years. You’re beautiful, Don, now go and freshen up our fucking drinks.

And in conclusion. . . . CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!