The Culture Bunker

If W wins the presidency the blame will fall on the ample shoulders of Satan herself—the evil Oprah. But, hey, why should she give a shit about the millions of women who hang on her every word? She just wants her tax cut….

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominations have been announced. Miles Davis, the Stooges, MC5, Patti Smith, and the New York Dolls are among the semifinalists, but you just know they’ll be passed over in favor of AOR staples Bob Seger and Chicago. Fuckin’ hell! And what about the Groundhogs? When do they get their due? When, dammit, when?

Speaking of R ‘n’ R, when’s that new Guns n’ Roses record coming out? It’s almost as if Kevin Shields were the new guitarist. . . . Fans who purchase the Alarm‘s nine-count-’em-nine CD box set via the Internet will be able to have their fave song dedicated to them at the concert they attend. We can’t decide which would be goofier, buying a nine-CD Alarm box set or actually going to an “Alarm2000” show. Also, what if the fans want to hear a Dave Sharp tune, say “White Cross?” What will Mike do then?

Some refer to the US Olympic Women’s Football Squad as silver medalists. We, on the other hand, just think of them as losers. C’mon girls, you lose Nobel Prizes to Norway, not sporting events! Which reminds us, we’d like to welcome a really big loser—really, really, big—to the Emerald City. The friggin’ Seahawks will win the Super Bowl before Patrick Ewing takes the Sonics all the way. Don’t forget: Michael’s from New York, so he knows. . . . This month’s “Most Improved On The Stick” Award goes to the Rabid Wolverine himself, the great Chris Benoit. Give that man the Strap now! . . . Jean-Claude Van Damme is set to play a Hasidic Jew in his next pic, and we fully expect him to do a more convincing job than either Melanie Griffith or Renee Zellweger. Hey, at least he’s not cutting a record, like Steven Seagal!

Reports from the Toronto Film Festival allege that Julian Schnabel‘s new film—Before Night Falls—is a bit of a masterpiece, especially the scene with the broken plates. If it’s as good as his album, we’re there. TFF attendee Jason gives his coveted “Best Documentary Prize” to director Zev Asher’s What About Me: The Rise of the Nihilist Spasm Band. What, no fall? . . . In other Canadian news, we’d like to say “G’night Funnyman” to legendary cuckold Pierre Trudeau. Man, was that Margaret a major piece of ass! Hey, it could be worse. It could have been Garry Trudeau. . . .

That Catherine Bell makes us want to JAG off. She’s Jill Hennessey for the New Millennium. . . . When we’re not pleasuring ourselves to hour-long TV dramas, we’ve been trying to catch up on new novels by some of our very favorite writers. Jason is currently enjoying Michael Chabon‘s The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, while Michael is yukking it up with Geoff Nicholson‘s Bedlam Burning. Next up on both of our reading lists are The Golden Age by Gore Vidal, A Friend of the Earth by T. Coraghessan Boyle, Stephen King‘s On Writing, and oh yes, Commissioner Mick Foley‘s Christmas Chaos (featuring illustrations by Jerry The King Lawler, no less!). Also, Bob Christgau‘s new Consumer Guide collection will be sitting atop our toilet tanks for a least a few months. Man, is there anything better than reading about Mahlathini and the Mahotella Queens while taking a nice big dump?

Hey, is it hockey season already? We’d like to wish Coach Dean Chynoweth and his Seattle Thunderbirds the best of luck, especially in their long rivalry with Kootenay. Fuck those Eastern BC wussies. . . . Finally, howzabout Michael’s Jets, huh? All together now: J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!