The Culture Bunker

Limp Bizkit, Charlie’s Angels, George W. Bush . . . ladies and gentlemen, it’s late afternoon in America.

As we wait for the Palm Beach County Tribal Council to decide who will win this latest episode of Survivor, we’re thankful for MSNBC, which has so many babes it should be called Fox: Norah O’Donnell, Campbell Brown (despite fatigue setting in the form of a pronounced forehead zit), and Ashleigh Banfield (those half-brainy, half-trendy, and way-too-expensive glasses simultaneously mask and enhance her pinup-ready hotness). Then there’s the LA Times’ very cute Elizabeth Shogren, who sat forlorn and hopelessly lost amid old boys Chris Matthews, Pat Caddell, and Ed Rollins—a triumvirate of serious fucking sharks. If she was our girlfriend, we’d let her speak her mind. Well, at least, we’d let her get a word in, occasionally, if she had something smart to say.

Of course, that Brian Williams—the best anchor working today—is a bit of a hunk, as well. Meanwhile over at CNN, that muttonheaded Bernie Shaw continues to drive us nuts. Watching him interject non sequiturs into the conversation, as Judy, Jeff, and Bill feign interest and begin shuffling papers—oh, the pain! Anyway, we’re glad to hear Bernie’s leaving to “write books.” Bye-bye, funnyman. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Needless to say, our dials don’t go near ABC News because there’s nothing but a bunch of Republicans and Canadians at that place, but how great is it that the studio window looks directly onto WWF New York? Come to think of it, Vince McMahon couldn’t have scripted the Presidential Iron Man Match any better: a number of near falls, a conclusion that merely leads into the next day’s broadcast, and a subsequent string of shocking swerves, unholy alliances, and repeated rematches. If you’ve been paying attention to history, you’ll know that previous popular vote “winners” went on to beat the Electoral victor in the next election. So Bush v. Gore: The War in O-Four is pretty much inevitable. It’s like The Empire Strikes Back, with Al encased in carbon until the next episode. Hell, it even got ratings!

After looking through the options, Al II would be vastly preferable to watching the Dems try to run a new stiff. We still believe that Gephardt will never overcome his albino eyebrows. Maybe he can share Bob Kerry’s. Anyway, whatever happens in the Florida courts, does the Bush campaign really expect anyone to believe that 3,000 old Jews broke ranks and voted Buchanan? If this is true, perhaps David Duke should move a couple of states over and run for county commish.

If we are stuck with W., we do see several bright sides: The West Wing will become even more sanctimonious, and people will eventually notice how much it sucks. Matt and Trey’s Comedy Central sitcom will be better off. And while we find Saturday Night Live about as exhilarating as a Brad Whitford speech, we really hate that Darryl Hammond guy—not that we love Will Ferrell, but, hey, we really hate that Darryl Hammond guy.

But here’s our favorite scenario, you know, this whole thing about W. not drinking since he was 40 but not really being an alcoholic? Well, being POTUS is a pretty tough gig, lots of pressure, especially if you’re dumb and Dick Cheney is yelling at you all the time. Sometimes, you’re too busy to even catch Sportscenter. What if it’s too much for W.? What if he starts reaching for the bourbon? What if his begins slurring his speech and speaking in gibberish. Hey, wait a minute. . . .

In closing, Fuck Nader. Hard. Florida isn’t exactly Oregon or California. . . . Who are these 90,000 people who pulled the Green party lever? Eighty-year-old women who used to own a Corvair in the ’70s? Fuck that fucking Nader! Perhaps the only formerly great man who ended his career on a worse note was that cranky censoring cocksucker Steve Allen—may he rest in his own private hell of Howard Stern and Raw reruns.